How I Saved Middle Earth

Supermodel and I frantically worked on the computer while the guys managed to get Blondie back under control. (HA! If only those Sues could have seen him then, his eyes and nose red and puffy from crying, his skin all blotchy, his hair a mess. They would have thought twice about attacking him. Some out of sheer pity, I’m sure. I certainly pitied him – but not enough to forgive him from wiping his nose on my bed sheet – that was just uncalled for! )

Supermodel was a very fast learner and between the two of us we had managed to banish the Sue reinforcements before the next morning. Of course, there would always be more of them but if she and I could just get the numbers down to manageable (or teach one of the guys how to type) we’d be able to at least control the situation. That was the best that we could hope for under the circumstances. Unless someone came up with a better idea. I was getting mighty tired of being the only sensible person involved in this fiasco.

As it was now Blondie couldn’t even be seen outdoors without nearly starting a fucking riot. Things weettietting pretty bad for Scruffy, too, after this last release and he had taken to skulking around inside more often. Hairy had to take his place at the negotiations table because some of the Sues had tried to put the moves on The Scruffy One once they got within range. The whole situation had deteriorated into one big orgy of unwilling participants and I felt like the ringmaster!

Oh, yes, the Sues were still willing to negotiate for Blondie’s “release”. (Like he was being held captive). They viewed the demise of other Sues as sort of a Darwinian comeuppance. Right! “Survival of the fittest” indeed! They had no idea that an invitation to the negotiating table was merely an invitation to doom!

One particular day, I was hiding in my usual place during the negotiations when we got hit with a particularly nasty Sue. (A redhead, figures). I sighed and rolled my eyes disdainfully before I began typing.

Gorgeous actually made a noise that sounded like “oh” when he saw her.

I poked him in the gut. “Pay attention!” I snapped at him in annoyance.

He stared for several minutes and I had to growl at him and poke him in the ribs before he actually stopped gawping and started helping.

“Do you want to be rid of these fucking Sues or not?” I demanded. (The ingrate!) I was getting about fed up with his shit and he was getting on my last nerve.

“Yes, yes, uhm,” he said distracted again by Red.

I gave him THE LOOK that every man everywhere knows and he straightened right up. (At least THAT still works)

Supermodel had joined us to watch the proceedings. She didn’t much like Red, either, I could tell. Felt this Sue would need a bit of extra effort.

“Make haste with this one,” she murmured anxiously, her eyes never leaving Red.

“I’m trying but SOMEBODY isn’t being much help,” I hissed and glared at the drooling and now obviously aroused male at my side. I rolled my eyes in disgust. Men! Elves! Dwarves! They are all the same.

“Which head are you going to use, hot stuff?” I snarled at him.

Gorgeous had the decency to blush and lower his eyes. He started talking and actually placed his folded hands over the tent in his tunic. That crazy pointed eared dude is a lot of things but rude isn’t one of them.

He continued to talk to me in a low voice, describing Red. Supermodel and I thought it would be best to get rid of her first off. The others didn’t appear to be much of a threat and Gorgeous certainly didn’t pay them much heed.

Red must’ve had pretty damn good ears (it’s a Sue-elf thing, I’m told. Whatever.) Half way thru the negotiations, she got up from the table and started stalking around as if looking for some thing or some ONE. I stopped typing. The three of us held our breath as Red approached our hiding place.

I know that stupid bastard did something to set her off. Don’t know what it was exactly but he let her know he was there somehow. The next thing I know, our curtain of secrecy is torn away and I’m staring at a really horny Sue. Scratch that – I’m sitting between two very horny elves – not a very safe place to be let me tell you!

Red didn’t pay much attention to Supermodel or me. (Dumb girl.) She just reached right in and snatched a grinning Blondie from his place behind me. (Oh, he is so going to get an ass whuppin’ for this stunt!)

“Ah, Prince of Mirkwood,” Red said in a throaty purr as she began stroking his chest. My skin crawled and I felt the bile rise in my throat. “I have journeyed from afar to gaze upon your legendary manliness,” she flashed him a devastatingly white smile.

He grinned stupidly. (Bad sign. Blood flow to brain has been diverted. The hard on has returned full force.) I gnashed my teeth in barely restrained rage. (He has done it now).

“Do something,” Supermodel whispered anxiously to me.

“No,” I said stubbornly, setting my jaw. “He wanted it and now he’s gonna get it.” (Serves him right).

She looked at me in horror and made to grab the computer. I jerked it away from her.

“Let him learn his lesson,” I warned. “We have a saying where I come from ‘beware of what you wish for because you will most certainly get it’. Let him feel their wrath and maybe he’ll stop being such an idiot.” (Fat chance, I know but I can hope).

Supermodel looked at me in horror and I shook my head vehemently as I clutched the laptop protectively to my bosom. No way was I going to let Gorgeous off so easily. Why should I save him? The ingrate! I was tired of his shit and tired of this damned place.

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