Sex, Drugs, and Orcish Theatre
folder
-Multi-Age › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
43
Views:
2,032
Reviews:
4
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
-Multi-Age › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
43
Views:
2,032
Reviews:
4
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own the Lord of the Rings (and associated) book series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Happy Haldir
Chapter 14
Haldir was unnaturally happy. He couldn't remember the last time everything was this shiny and perfect. And Aragorn was right! The mushrooms Celeborn was so fond of grew in abundance and it was a delightful morning. It would have been better if there wasn't a mysterious bruise on his thigh and the bite Sméagol had given him was feeling tender and possibly septic. But none of that mattered!! Life was amazing and best of all Haldir was almost certain that he was the most amazingly powerful being in all creation.
Giggling to himself, Haldir continued to gather mushrooms until he had about two dozen. He meandered merrily to town, occasionally towering over hapless insects and demanding they heed him or be crushed. Right now it was FUN to be Haldir.
Kalina was still asleep although Legolas was awake and dressed and trying to get the fire going.
"Leave that!! I'm cooking!" Haldir wandered over and shooed Legolas while clutching his harvest of mushrooms.
"Er... Good morning?" tried Legolas. He was not a morning person. There was too much daylight and that horrible morning feeling which made him feel like he should be doing something constructive with his existence. Haldir's incessant cheerfulness was terrifying.
"It's a delightful morning!" agreed Haldir, heading over to the luggage to find some cooking gear.
"I'm... going to wake Kalina," said Legolas, terminally bewildered. He moved back towards the sleeping elf and then crawled under the blankets beside her and poked her in the ribs.
"CUNT!" she yelled and tried to hit Legolas in the jaw. He had expected some sort of retaliation and was able to grab her wrist before the fist connected. "Oh... sorry. It's you." Kalina yawned. Legolas grabbed her.
"Haldir's gone mad!!!" he hissed.
"Eh? Piss off. Too early." Kalina yawned again and rolled over. Legolas grabbed her and rolled her back.
"He's HAPPY! He's cheerful!! I think he's possessed!!"
"Much as I could easily kill him and get away with it if he was mad, I think he's still just high off of the tranqs I shot him up with. Some sort of orc poison developed in Mordor I believe."
"From WHERE?!"
"I told you it was from the south-east. The pipe isn't from Mordor. Just some of the poisons and sedatives," she explained.
"How?"
"Weirdly enough, Saruman somehow has connections and I swiped some off him when I was there a few years back. I tried it out on that Wormtongue bastard he keeps around and decithatthat I really needed some for... well, situations like last night. So I stole a few vials, then blamed it on Wormtongue, insisting I'd seen him snorting the stuff."
"Right. You're depraved AND a kleptomaniac."
"No, I merely redistribute things whereby those deserving should be allowed access to things they appreciate. Me, I like exotic drugs and poisons, and large weapons... stop smirking, slave!"
"Yes Mistress," said Legolas instantly, vaguely wondering what it was about her voice that compelled him to obey immediately.
"So anyway, if Haldir is mad he'll be saner soon. And he appears to be cooking which means I can sleep for a bit more." With that, Kalina again rolled over and tried to get back to sleep. She soon aborted the attempt as Aragorn returned and hurried over to Kalina.
"Are you awake?" he asked.
"Theoretically," said Legolas, getting up and wandering off to relieve his bladder.
"Not by choice," grumbled Kalina.
"I need to talk to you," said Aragorn. He looked excited and happy. Kalina was suspicious.
"Give me a minute," she muttered, looking around for some clothes. Conveniently, her wet clothes were dry and within arms' reach. She grabbed them, ducked under the blanket then re-emerged, dressed.
"Good morning, Kalina!!" called Haldir cheerfully. He sd ged genuinely at her, scaring the hell out of her. Kalina shuddered, then grabbed her chain mail.
"Fuck off," she snapped.
"Okay. Breakfast in half an hour?" Haldir beamed at her. "And your hair looks gorgeous this morning."
"Uhm... yeah," Kalina managed, severely freaked. Admittedly happy Haldir was a nice change from whiny cunting Haldir. But that just wasn't right. She walked over to Aragorn who was waiting near the path that led to the stream Haldir was violated in.
Haldir was unnaturally happy. He couldn't remember the last time everything was this shiny and perfect. And Aragorn was right! The mushrooms Celeborn was so fond of grew in abundance and it was a delightful morning. It would have been better if there wasn't a mysterious bruise on his thigh and the bite Sméagol had given him was feeling tender and possibly septic. But none of that mattered!! Life was amazing and best of all Haldir was almost certain that he was the most amazingly powerful being in all creation.
Giggling to himself, Haldir continued to gather mushrooms until he had about two dozen. He meandered merrily to town, occasionally towering over hapless insects and demanding they heed him or be crushed. Right now it was FUN to be Haldir.
Kalina was still asleep although Legolas was awake and dressed and trying to get the fire going.
"Leave that!! I'm cooking!" Haldir wandered over and shooed Legolas while clutching his harvest of mushrooms.
"Er... Good morning?" tried Legolas. He was not a morning person. There was too much daylight and that horrible morning feeling which made him feel like he should be doing something constructive with his existence. Haldir's incessant cheerfulness was terrifying.
"It's a delightful morning!" agreed Haldir, heading over to the luggage to find some cooking gear.
"I'm... going to wake Kalina," said Legolas, terminally bewildered. He moved back towards the sleeping elf and then crawled under the blankets beside her and poked her in the ribs.
"CUNT!" she yelled and tried to hit Legolas in the jaw. He had expected some sort of retaliation and was able to grab her wrist before the fist connected. "Oh... sorry. It's you." Kalina yawned. Legolas grabbed her.
"Haldir's gone mad!!!" he hissed.
"Eh? Piss off. Too early." Kalina yawned again and rolled over. Legolas grabbed her and rolled her back.
"He's HAPPY! He's cheerful!! I think he's possessed!!"
"Much as I could easily kill him and get away with it if he was mad, I think he's still just high off of the tranqs I shot him up with. Some sort of orc poison developed in Mordor I believe."
"From WHERE?!"
"I told you it was from the south-east. The pipe isn't from Mordor. Just some of the poisons and sedatives," she explained.
"How?"
"Weirdly enough, Saruman somehow has connections and I swiped some off him when I was there a few years back. I tried it out on that Wormtongue bastard he keeps around and decithatthat I really needed some for... well, situations like last night. So I stole a few vials, then blamed it on Wormtongue, insisting I'd seen him snorting the stuff."
"Right. You're depraved AND a kleptomaniac."
"No, I merely redistribute things whereby those deserving should be allowed access to things they appreciate. Me, I like exotic drugs and poisons, and large weapons... stop smirking, slave!"
"Yes Mistress," said Legolas instantly, vaguely wondering what it was about her voice that compelled him to obey immediately.
"So anyway, if Haldir is mad he'll be saner soon. And he appears to be cooking which means I can sleep for a bit more." With that, Kalina again rolled over and tried to get back to sleep. She soon aborted the attempt as Aragorn returned and hurried over to Kalina.
"Are you awake?" he asked.
"Theoretically," said Legolas, getting up and wandering off to relieve his bladder.
"Not by choice," grumbled Kalina.
"I need to talk to you," said Aragorn. He looked excited and happy. Kalina was suspicious.
"Give me a minute," she muttered, looking around for some clothes. Conveniently, her wet clothes were dry and within arms' reach. She grabbed them, ducked under the blanket then re-emerged, dressed.
"Good morning, Kalina!!" called Haldir cheerfully. He sd ged genuinely at her, scaring the hell out of her. Kalina shuddered, then grabbed her chain mail.
"Fuck off," she snapped.
"Okay. Breakfast in half an hour?" Haldir beamed at her. "And your hair looks gorgeous this morning."
"Uhm... yeah," Kalina managed, severely freaked. Admittedly happy Haldir was a nice change from whiny cunting Haldir. But that just wasn't right. She walked over to Aragorn who was waiting near the path that led to the stream Haldir was violated in.