Such is life

Billy discovers that he has long had special feelings for his best friend Dom. But what does Dom say to that?


Disclaimer: I believe in fairytales and I can’t remember my life before slash… Doesn’t mean it’s true. I could be fantasizing…

Author’s notes: I’m just trying my best not to fall asleep in front of my computer… So tired. I’ll go to sleep now. Night! A thousand times good night! I’ll dream of your reviews… *hint! hint!*


16. How could I love you not?


Billy hadn’t seen Dom again after his friend had woken up. When it was clear that Dom would live Billy’s parents had demanded that he went back to school immediately as he had already missed 6 days.

Now Billy was sitting in the train back home and was nervous as never before. He smiled unhappily. What did you say to your best friend you were in love with?

Yes, love… Billy was desperate. It wasn’t like the feeling was new, because it really wasn’t. There had been a deep connection between the both of them since the first time they met. It was as if familiar souls had reached out to greet each other. Billy’s soul knew Dom’s before they had even met. He had only always mistaken the warm feeling that captured his heart when he was with Dom for pure friendship, hadn’t known how deep his love for his best friend went.

Billy remembered his feelings when Dom’s shaking figure was laying in his arms and when he got the call that Dom might die. Actually Billy was afraid of Dom, because with one little gesture, with one little movement of his finger he could easily tear Billy’s heart apart. And the worst was that Billy would let it happen happily.

Billy inhaled deeply and took Dom’s letter out of his pocket and reread it silently. Dom had called him his other half and the only good thing in his life. Did he really mean what Billy hoped he meant? Billy put the letter away and stared out of the window. He would have to ask Dom.

~*~

Since Dom had broken down in Mortensen’s arms he hadn’t really been able to stop crying. He cried when something went wrong, he cried when everything went right. And when he didn’t cry he felt the utter emptiness again that he had felt for so long.

Now he was sitting on his sofa in his very own room with his best friend Billy next to him and everything should be alright, but apparently it wasn’t as again tears were burning in Dom’s eyes. “Sorry,” he tried to laugh, wiping the tears from his cheeks with his sleeve. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. I seem to be unable to stop crying.” Dom shrugged his shoulders. “It has just been a little too much for me lately. But at least crying is better than the numbness that filled me before…” he tried to joke.

Billy pulled Dom into his arms. He stroked Dom’s hair. “No wonder you feel like that,” he mumbled soothingly. “You’re not called back from Mando’s Halls every day!”

Dom looked up and frowned. “Lord of the Rings again? Jesus, Billy! You read too much!”

Billy’s heart was racing when Dom snuggled against his chest. The tears didn’t cease to run. Dom’s voice sounded shaky. “I had said goodbye… I feel so out of place here. This is no longer where I belong…”

Billy nodded. “I got your letter.”

“Did you?” Dom’s voice sounded flat. “I had forgotten about that…”

“Did you mean what you wrote in it?” Billy continued.

“Yes,” Dom replied, wiping tears from his cheek again. “Every fucking word. I don’t think I’ve ever been that honest before.” Dom was tugging at his sleeve. The bandage was gone. The exterior wounds had started to heal and soon would scar, but his soul was still bleeding heavily. The nervous habit was left.

“Dom…” Billy put his hand over Dom’s, hindering Dom to move.

Dom looked up at Billy, an astonished look in his eyes. “What?” he breathed.

Billy loosened Dom’s fingers from his sleeve and placed Dom’s hand next to them on the sofa.

“Billy?” Dom frowned when Billy’s fingers slowly started to caress the soft flesh of the inside of his wrist. “What are you doing?”

Billy didn’t answer, but looked deeply into Dom’s eyes, his fingers moving under Dom’s sleeve. He felt like drowning in the grey depths of Dom’s eyes, his heart beating loudly in his chest.

Dom’s retina darkened, his eyes widening impossibly when he realized what Billy was about to do.
“Don’t…” Dom pulled back from Billy’s grasp, already backing away, but Billy was holding him by his wrist.

“No,” Billy whispered. “I know they are there, I want to see them…” Slowly he started to slide Dom’s sleeve up his arm, kissing every bit of skin that was revealed.

Dom flinched, closing his eyes. “Don’t… They are ugly.”

Billy looked deeply into Dom’s eyes, stroking the angry red lines on Dom’s wrist lovingly with his thumb. “They are part of you… How could I love them not?” Billy thought he might pass out when he slowly leant forward and lowered his lips to Dom’s, kissing his friend tenderly. Billy’s world didn’t stop moving, it turned upside down.

It felt so right, so right…so terribly wrong.

Confused Billy pulled back. Dom hadn’t answered the kiss. Instead he lay frozen in Billy’s arms, crying. Billy frowned. This wasn’t the reaction he had dreamt of. He had imagined their first real kiss again and again, but it had always ended differently. Billy’s head was aching. Did he really get everything so terribly wrong? Why was his friend crying instead of pulling Billy into a passionate kiss?

“Sorry,” he whispered in a flat voice, moving to stand up and leave the room. “perhaps I should better go… I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be…” Dom sobbed, grabbing Billy’s arm in a death grip. “Stay…” He clung to Billy as if to a life-saving rope as sobs shook his body violently.

Billy felt like crying, too, but he couldn’t…wouldn’t as long as Dom was here seeing him. “I didn’t mean to…” Billy whispered. “I thought you wanted it, too…”

Dom inhaled shakily, wiping the wetness from his face. “I don’t know what I want…” He looked up at Billy from eyes red from crying. “Sometimes I need it…” Dom’s voice sounded hoarse. “The pain, the passion to remind myself that I’m still alive…” Dom sat up until he could look directly into Billy’s eyes. “I care for you more than you can possibly imagine, Billy,” he breathed shakily. “I won’t reduce you to something you are not.”

Billy tried to turn his head to the side, not able to stand Dom’s look, but Dom forced him to stay in the same position with the grip of his hands. “I’m not ready to invest feelings again, Billy.” Dom blinked as tears started to dwell in his eyes again. “I would only use you…”

Billy shook his head in disbelief. “Don’t say such things,” he mumbled and pulled Dom into a tight embrace, planting soft kisses on his friend’s hair. “What if I say I don’t care? Perhaps I want to be used by you…”

Dom freed himself from Billy’s arms. “Please. Don’t make it worse than it already is.” His eyebrows curved up in a way that made him look even sadder. “I would only end up hurting you and I couldn’t forgive myself that…”

Billy was just about to answer when the doorbell rang.

TBC….