Knocking At Heaven's Door

Title: Knocking At Heaven's Door

Author: Emmess

Rating: NC17

Warnings: Everything I can think of without being overly gross and offensive.

Pairings: Um, yeah…everybody.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Tolkien, and really, not much of anything else.

Summary: Ever wonder what happens to fanfic writers after they die? Would heaven be heaven without Elves and sex? Um…no. No, it wouldn't.

A sharp rapping at the door interrupted us at the most inopportune moment - just as the four of us had finally achieved an intricate, delicately balanced position based on illustrations in the Kama Sutra that would have done the Cirque du Soleil people proud.

"Uh oh…" I whispered, as the Elves above and below me began to teeter.

"Oomph!"

"Argh!"

"Ouch! Watch where you're putting that finger, 'Dan!"

"Sorry, Ada…I couldn't help it…"

Looking up from the bed at the door with an expression that could very well have melted iron, Elrond growled, "Who is it?"

"I beg your pardon, My Lord…but you have a visitor in the Hall of Fire…" answered the servant from the other side of the door, a faint quiver evident in his voice.

Grunting, Elrond rose from the bed, looking down at himself with disgust. "Will you look at this? I've a problem here…and a guest to attend. I can't very well greet whoever it is like this, now can I?"

"You greeted me like that…" I reminded his Lordship.

"That was different…that was you - and this is your Heaven. To greet another resident like this would be rude."

Sighing, Elrohir and Elladan proceeded to make certain that their father was reduced to a more respectable appearance. I believe my eyes actually bugged right out of their sockets for a moment or two as they did so.

Leaving me sitting on the bed, trying to force my eyeballs back in where they belonged, Elrond left to see to his visitor. The twins, wiping their mouths with the backs of their hands, smirked at me. "I believe we'll go see Erestor, now…we'll walk you back to the main house on the way," Elladan said, motioning for me to get up. "Would you like to join us?"

"No…but thanks, ever so…I'm a bit worn out right now," I answered, in absolute awe of the twins' libido. Really - even the dead needed a break once in a while. I wondered if perhaps, Elrond had discovered some type of herbal Viagra, since the twins, especially, seemed to live in a perpetual state of arousal. Already hard again, they led me out of the House of Healing and toward Elrond's House.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I paused outside the door to the Hall of Fire, nonchalantly trying to figure out who Elrond's visitor was. A very familiar voice carried out into the hall from within the room.

"Elrond, my father wishes her immediate presence. What would you like me to tell him…that the Lord of Imladris refuses to yield her? Do you really want him to show up here himself? You're being very bad, Elrond…a very bad Elf indeed, by being so selfish."

I knew that voice…I also knew the threat in that voice…my butt remembered it as well. I winced at the sound of a hard smack on bare flesh.

Now this, I had to see.

Creaking open the door, I peeked inside. Legolas was seated on Elrond's throne, the Peredhil Lord thrown over his lap, his hand slapping down firmly on Elrond's quivering cheeks. Looking up at that moment to see me poking my head in the room, Legolas smiled, his hand cupping the firm flesh of Elrond's buttocks.

"And you're waiting for what?" he called, looking directly at me. "Get in here. Don't make me get up."

"Eep," I squeaked, not really sure if I was up to Legolas-the-Terminator so soon after Erestor-The-Great-Explorer, and the Peredhil-Contortionists. I eased myself in the room, eyeing him warily.

"Come here."

"I think I'd be more comfortable back here…you go right ahead with what you were doing - don't let me interrupt."

"Come here…NOW."

Timidly, I approached the platinum haired warrior, gulping as he laid yet another hard swat to the Elf's behind who lay moaning on his lap.

I stood before the Prince of Mirkwood, biting my lower lip as he delivered a couple more swats to Elrond's derrière. Taking my hand, Legolas rubbed it soothingly over the Peredhil Lord's reddened cheeks. Elrond was squirming, moaning something unintelligible that sounded vaguely like, "more."

"What's the magic word, Elrond?" Legolas growled, his hand fisting in Elrond's jet tresses, pulling his head up sharply.

"Do it now, or I'll have you thrown in the dungeons, Legolas!" he hissed.

"Wrong answer, my Lord…" Legolas cheerfully replied. He spread Elrond's cheeks and slipped a finger into his depths, unprepared and dry. Elrond howled, then banged his head on Legolas' thigh.

"Please! There, I've said it…please! For the love of Eru, Legolas, enough is enough!" he sputtered, twisting himself on Legolas' finger.

"Much better," Legolas replied, removing his finger from Elrond's entry, and patting his rear gently. He looked up at me, a saucy grin on his face. He ordered Elrond to stand, and me to kneel.

Eyeing Legolas' rock hard member, I waited for his order to begin. At his nod, I attacked his organ with gusto, not concerned in the least with the Peredhil Lord, who stood nearby groaning in frustration.

"I believe you've suffered enough, Elrond…go ahead…" Legolas said imperiously. Within seconds I felt the Lord of Imladris enter me, pounding away furiously as I tended to Legolas' Elfhood.

"Ai!" Elrond called as he came, filling me with his hot essence, taking me soaring with him. I tasted Legolas' seed shortly afterward, the Mirkwood Prince calling out loudly, his hands on either side of my head.

Slumping down onto Legolas' lap, Elrond's body heavily leaning on me from behind, we lay like that for several minutes, our breathing slowly returning to normal.

Picking my head up, I said, "Hi, Legolas…long time no see."

"My Lady…a pleasure as always. I was just telling Lord Elrond that my father has extended an invitation for you to visit Mirkwood."

"Oh, boy. Giant spiders and cross-dressing Elves - I can't wait," I replied, smirking at the golden Prince.

"No spiders…unless you want them…which is too kinky, even for me," he laughed.

"Personally, I'd take the spiders over your father in a dress, any day of the week," Elrond laughed, standing and pulling me up along with him. He kissed me soundly, and invited me to visit again anytime I wished.

"Funny…that's not what you said last month when you gave him that bright red silk teddy for his Begetting Day," Legolas teased, taking my arm.

I thanked the Peredhil Lord for a most interesting visit, asked him to give my regards to the twins, Erestor, and Glorfindel, and left the Hall of Fire with Legolas.

The servant - still in his dog collar, smiled cheekily at me as he handed Legolas and I our clothing. Dressing, I thought how odd the feel of fabric on my skin was, and how quickly one could get used to running around starkers.

Leaving Elrond's House, riding double on Legolas' white steed, I couldn't help but wonder what awaited me in Mirkwood's Great Cavern.

TBC…