How I Saved Middle Earth
folder
Lord of the Rings Movies › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
15
Views:
1,705
Reviews:
5
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Lord of the Rings Movies › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
15
Views:
1,705
Reviews:
5
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own the Lord of the Rings book series and movie series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Two Steps Back
Notes: OK, I have to admit it. This is one of my fave chapters. Legolas gets dissed pretty badly but it’s amusing.
“Bawling like Nancy Kerrigan” – if you’re not old enough to remember this incident before the 1994 US Figure Skating Championships, I can’t explain it to ya.
*****
The terror increased ten fold the next day.
I jumped up out of bed at daybreak when I heard Blondie’s screams of terror down the passageway outside my door.
“Shut the hell up!” I shouted, flinging open the door to the hall. (God, I hate getting woke up in the morning by maniacal screaming).
Blondie shoved past me and ran toward my computer with Drama Queen fast on his heels. (What the fuck is going on around here?)
“Doesn’t anybody fucking knock in this hell hole?” I demanded, turning around to watch the mad scramble in my room.
Blondie snatched the computer off my nightstand and shoved it into my hands. He was quivering again. Not a good sign.
“We’re doomed! Doomed I say!” ted ted Crazy Old Guy/Drama Queen waving his arms around in terror. WoulWould you just chill?” I snapped and took the laptop from a whimpering Gorgeous.
“We’re not ‘doomed’. What happened? Is everyone ok?” I demanded as I patted the quivering Gorgeous distractedly.
Upon hearing my voice, Scruffy, Supermodel and Hairy came into my room. (Full house. Great! I don’t have anything on but a nightshirt! Why does this happen to ME? What gods have I angered?)
“The Sues have returned,” Scruffy said miserably.
“No way! You lie!” I looked around. Judging by the looks on their faces, he wasn’t lying.
“What? What the hell? How the fuck did that happen?” I wondered. “We all saw it. We all saw them vanish when I hit “save”. What could have gone wrong?” I was starting to panic. This couldn’t be happening! It just wasn’t logical! (Maybe the Drama Queen was right and we WERE doomed.)
I booted up the laptop and anxious faces gathered around me. (This is a bunch of bullshit!) Sure enough, there were all the saved files of all the Sues we had banished. So where were they all coming from? (Creepy!)
Everyone eyed everyone else suspiciously. Who had released the Sues? And why?
“We’re doomed I say!” Thundered the Old Guy in his best all-knowing voice again.
“Shut him up!” I shouted. (Nutter!)
Scruffy pulled the Drama Queen to the side and tried to calm him.
“There has to be something else. Something we missed,” Supermodel mumbled and leaned over me to look at the computer screen.
“Yeah, but what the hell was it?” I asked, scanning files.
“Gandalf,” Hairy went over to Scruffy and Drama Queen. “Was there anything in the prophecy that you may have missed?” He asked.
Blondie shook his head. “I read it, too, and all it said was that she has to write. There was nothing else. We didn’t miss anything. Oh, Eru! This cannot be happening to me! Why, Why, Why?” He flung himself down on my bed and began to cry. (Freaking bawling like Nancy Kerrigan!)
Supermodel and I exchanged disgusted looks.
“Idiot,” I hissed under my breath.
“Agreed,” she hissed back.
“Wait a minute,” I murmured and searched my saved e-mails. Something was niggling in the back of my mind but I just couldn’t place it.
I scanned my saved email files and groaned.
“What is it?” Supermodel leaned close to me so that the others couldn’t overhear.
“Dammit! The third Lord Of The Rings movie was released two days ago.” I pointed to the e-mail from the Sweet D noting the release date. “Hellfire and Dalmatians! The Sues have gotten reinforcements,” I said under my breath.
“By the Gates of Mordor!” Supermodel growled. (That’s some pretty harsh swearing). “How can we stop them?”
I sighed. “I dunno. Once it comes out in the theaters, it will run for a while. But then it gets released to videotape and DVD so it really can never exactly end.”
She and I looked at each other and together we looked at Blondie. He had finally stopped crying and was now sitting up on my bed, using my sheet to wipe his nose. (Gross!)
“Knock that off, you moron!” I shouted at him.
He dropped the sheet and immediately started crying again.
“Well, hell!” I swore and went over to him. (He’s worse than me with PMS).
Supermodel bent down to examine the computer.
“Here,” I said and handed Blondie a tissue from my travel pack. “Will you please stop that? It’s not the end of the world, you know.” (What does one say to a blithering idiot anyway?)
I patted him on the shoulder and set down on the bed next to him. (I thought I had given up feeling guilty about this!)
“It’s all my fault! My fault!” He wailed and started babbling in some odd language as he laid his head in my lap. (Maybe Hairy is right and we should just toss him over the wall and let the Sues take him. Sure the hell save us a lot of trouble. And he’d survive.)
I patted him lamely and stroked his hair, unsure of what to say or do. “There, there,” was all I could think of to say. God, I HATE getting stuck in this situation! My niece does this to me all the time and I'm still not used to it!
“Some help here!” I hissed at Scruffy through clenched teeth.
Scruffy, Hairy and Old Guy descended upon us like flies. I gratefully extracted myself from the scene and went back to the computer, grateful to be back in my comfort zone again.
“How does this thing work?” Supermodel asked me.
I smiled at her. (Beauty AND Brains! Now THAT’S what I’m talking about!)
*****
“Bawling like Nancy Kerrigan” – if you’re not old enough to remember this incident before the 1994 US Figure Skating Championships, I can’t explain it to ya.
*****
The terror increased ten fold the next day.
I jumped up out of bed at daybreak when I heard Blondie’s screams of terror down the passageway outside my door.
“Shut the hell up!” I shouted, flinging open the door to the hall. (God, I hate getting woke up in the morning by maniacal screaming).
Blondie shoved past me and ran toward my computer with Drama Queen fast on his heels. (What the fuck is going on around here?)
“Doesn’t anybody fucking knock in this hell hole?” I demanded, turning around to watch the mad scramble in my room.
Blondie snatched the computer off my nightstand and shoved it into my hands. He was quivering again. Not a good sign.
“We’re doomed! Doomed I say!” ted ted Crazy Old Guy/Drama Queen waving his arms around in terror. WoulWould you just chill?” I snapped and took the laptop from a whimpering Gorgeous.
“We’re not ‘doomed’. What happened? Is everyone ok?” I demanded as I patted the quivering Gorgeous distractedly.
Upon hearing my voice, Scruffy, Supermodel and Hairy came into my room. (Full house. Great! I don’t have anything on but a nightshirt! Why does this happen to ME? What gods have I angered?)
“The Sues have returned,” Scruffy said miserably.
“No way! You lie!” I looked around. Judging by the looks on their faces, he wasn’t lying.
“What? What the hell? How the fuck did that happen?” I wondered. “We all saw it. We all saw them vanish when I hit “save”. What could have gone wrong?” I was starting to panic. This couldn’t be happening! It just wasn’t logical! (Maybe the Drama Queen was right and we WERE doomed.)
I booted up the laptop and anxious faces gathered around me. (This is a bunch of bullshit!) Sure enough, there were all the saved files of all the Sues we had banished. So where were they all coming from? (Creepy!)
Everyone eyed everyone else suspiciously. Who had released the Sues? And why?
“We’re doomed I say!” Thundered the Old Guy in his best all-knowing voice again.
“Shut him up!” I shouted. (Nutter!)
Scruffy pulled the Drama Queen to the side and tried to calm him.
“There has to be something else. Something we missed,” Supermodel mumbled and leaned over me to look at the computer screen.
“Yeah, but what the hell was it?” I asked, scanning files.
“Gandalf,” Hairy went over to Scruffy and Drama Queen. “Was there anything in the prophecy that you may have missed?” He asked.
Blondie shook his head. “I read it, too, and all it said was that she has to write. There was nothing else. We didn’t miss anything. Oh, Eru! This cannot be happening to me! Why, Why, Why?” He flung himself down on my bed and began to cry. (Freaking bawling like Nancy Kerrigan!)
Supermodel and I exchanged disgusted looks.
“Idiot,” I hissed under my breath.
“Agreed,” she hissed back.
“Wait a minute,” I murmured and searched my saved e-mails. Something was niggling in the back of my mind but I just couldn’t place it.
I scanned my saved email files and groaned.
“What is it?” Supermodel leaned close to me so that the others couldn’t overhear.
“Dammit! The third Lord Of The Rings movie was released two days ago.” I pointed to the e-mail from the Sweet D noting the release date. “Hellfire and Dalmatians! The Sues have gotten reinforcements,” I said under my breath.
“By the Gates of Mordor!” Supermodel growled. (That’s some pretty harsh swearing). “How can we stop them?”
I sighed. “I dunno. Once it comes out in the theaters, it will run for a while. But then it gets released to videotape and DVD so it really can never exactly end.”
She and I looked at each other and together we looked at Blondie. He had finally stopped crying and was now sitting up on my bed, using my sheet to wipe his nose. (Gross!)
“Knock that off, you moron!” I shouted at him.
He dropped the sheet and immediately started crying again.
“Well, hell!” I swore and went over to him. (He’s worse than me with PMS).
Supermodel bent down to examine the computer.
“Here,” I said and handed Blondie a tissue from my travel pack. “Will you please stop that? It’s not the end of the world, you know.” (What does one say to a blithering idiot anyway?)
I patted him on the shoulder and set down on the bed next to him. (I thought I had given up feeling guilty about this!)
“It’s all my fault! My fault!” He wailed and started babbling in some odd language as he laid his head in my lap. (Maybe Hairy is right and we should just toss him over the wall and let the Sues take him. Sure the hell save us a lot of trouble. And he’d survive.)
I patted him lamely and stroked his hair, unsure of what to say or do. “There, there,” was all I could think of to say. God, I HATE getting stuck in this situation! My niece does this to me all the time and I'm still not used to it!
“Some help here!” I hissed at Scruffy through clenched teeth.
Scruffy, Hairy and Old Guy descended upon us like flies. I gratefully extracted myself from the scene and went back to the computer, grateful to be back in my comfort zone again.
“How does this thing work?” Supermodel asked me.
I smiled at her. (Beauty AND Brains! Now THAT’S what I’m talking about!)
*****