Dearly Beloved

xiii. Finding Myself

After the talk with Josh Dom had the quietest night ever. His sleep was undisturbed by dreams or sudden awakenings. So when he woke up the next morning he felt rested and calm. Yet the moment he recalled that he had to talk with Billy today changed his emotional situation drastically. At once he felt nervous and anxious to meet him. The pure thought of standing in front of his door, ringing the bell and waiting for Billy to answer the door was disturbing. He shoved the bed sheets aside and sat up. He sighed.

A knock at the door brought him back to reality.

“You awake?” Josh’s head appeared in the doorway. “I already called school that you won’t come today. I guess you should rest and settle your things. Oh, I got your bike back, by the way.”

Dom nodded his head sleepily.

“Thanks, Dad.”

He paused and immediately was awake. What did he just say?

“And don’t worry about Liam. I’ll handle that. I will take care of this little bastard and his companions never touching you again.”, Josh said in a severe tone. “I’ve made breakfast, and your Mum’s gonna pick you up in an hour.”

And with that he vanished behind the door again. Dom rubbed with his hand over his face. What the hell had that been? ‘Thanks, Dad.’? Dad? Like in Father-Dad? The one who’s normally married to your mother? Dom got up and got dressed. His damn subconscious always ruined everything. But this time…Maybe it had repaired something unbroken. He couldn’t help but smile. Josh, his new Dad. Not a bad thought. Of course, not his new-new Dad. Josh could never replace his real father. But it was good to have someone around again to whom Dom was able to talk to. Gosh, he talked like it already happened!

He and Josh ate breakfast, and the dad-thing wasn’t mentioned again, though the atmosphere between the two of them loosened up a bit and they were able to speak freely to each other, speak out their concerns. His mother was punctual as always; she got quite a shock when she saw Dom’s wounds and injuries on his face, chest and legs. She burst into tears and embraced her son so hard that Dom complained silently about lack of air. She was outraged the next moment, Dom had never seen her like that before, she screamed and shouted, also at him for not telling her and having secrets, how he could and why he didn’t tell her! Josh slowly managed to calm her down and promised once again that he was about to take care of that today.

She drove her son home and during the ride she picked up the subject again.

“It seems that you don’t trust me, Dominic, when you do things like that.”, she began. “I don’t even want to imagine what could have happened if Josh hadn’t found you!”

“Mum, it’s okay. Nothing bad happened. I have just a few bruises, is all.”

“No, no, Dom! That is not all!”, she shouted; then she took a deep breath and spoke calmly again. “I may seem weak, Dominic, but I am not. And on that you have to rely, okay? I’ll be fine.”

Dom nodded and the conversation ended.

He spent the next part of the day with preparing for the talk with Billy. He had to make sure that every word was true and honest. He tried to write it down but out came only crap. He tried to remember the words and phrases Josh had said to him the night before, but his brain was empty. It was really hard for him. After two hours he gave up. The last few hours before night time he watched TV and was together with his mum.

That day Dominic noticed a strange look in her eyes, when she drifted away while watching her favorite soap in the evening. She seemed to look right through the television, her eyes became numb, her lips trembled as did her hands. Dom wasn’t sure if he should react to that, so he stayed silent.

That night Dom woke up for no good reason. He checked the time, almost one in the morning,. Normally he didn’t wake up at that time but he guessed that it had been a crazy dream which he wasn’t able to recall any more. Well, being awake he went to the bathroom lying across his room. When he went out of it again to return to his room he heard glass shattering to the floor. His eyes fell on the staircase that led downstairs. His mum was still awake. He could make out quiet noises which seemed to come from the TV. He dared going down the stairs, slowly and silently, stopped shortly before the staircase ended and sat down on one of them. He was now able to look through the bars right into the living room and could also see what his mother was watching.

“And there they are! The finally married couple!”, his grandfather’s voice said the moment his mum and dad appeared on the screen. They smiled.

“And we also have to film the little boy in you, Kirsten!”

“A boy? How do you know that? She’s only two weeks pregnant right now.”, his father answered, but laughed.

“Don’t you wanna have a boy, Sandy?”, Kirsten asked instead.

“Of course, this would be great.” He kissed Dom’s mother, then his head wandered to her stomach. “See you soon, Dominic.”

The tape ended. Black and white dots appeared on the screen, making Dom feel dizzy. Then he heard his mother sob.

“Mum? What’s wrong?”

Dom stood up from his place and walked over to his mother as she rose behind the couch on which she had been lying. He sat down on the coffee table, avoiding the pieces of the broken glass which were spread over the carpet. His mother looked at Dominic with red and swollen eyes, she had never looked so sad and exhausted than in this very moment.

“I’m sorry, honey. Did I wake you up?”, she asked hoarsely, hysterically wiping away some tears blurring her make-up.

“No, it’s alright.” Dom looked at his mother and though he did not ask any questions his mother answered the one he was dying to ask.

“I don’t think I can do this, Dominic.”, she spoke finally, almost inaudible.

He didn’t speak, just sat there and let her talk.

“I think I will break up with Josh.”, she went on and started crying again. “I am not sure I am over your father, Dommie. I never will be…”

“Of course not.”, Dominic said at last. His words made his mother stare at him in surprise. “I mean, he’ll stay with you, right? Forever. Whenever you’ll think of him you will feel his presence.”

“I guess so…”, she admitted, lying a hand on her forehead.

“But you have to move on, Mum. Look what happened to me after Dad died. I was…a wreck. But that’s because I could not move on.” Dom’s eyes were shining with tears. “Don’t blame Josh for your feelings. He can’t do anything about it, he meant no harm, and I bet he whishes he was able to help you.”

Kirsten sat up and turned off the TV.

“He loves you. I know it. You can’t let him slip away again. He means something to you, doesn’t he? So you have to hold on to him. Don’t give up on him.”

She smiled, yet still tears streamed over her face like waterfalls. Dominic knelt down in front of the couch, the broken glass digging into his knees didn’t matter now. He embraced his mother and knew that it did her good. She sighed so deeply that Dom feared she wouldn’t be able to breathe in again. The words he had said just now returned to his mind. These had been words he also could have told himself. Billy.

Dominic felt that his mother’s arms slowly lost their strength. She was falling asleep. He softly let go of her and laid her down on the couch again. Then he covered her with a blanket, kissed her on the forehead and wished her silently a good night. After that he headed for his room, changed clothes, grabbed his black leather jacket and left the house quietly. He had to see Billy right now. Later could be too late.

The lights in Billy’s house were all turned off. No wonder, it was past one o’clock at night. He stood in front of the building and thought how he could get inside Billy’s room in the easiest way possible. Climb the tree, climb on branch, branch break, I fall down. Go over to Plan B. He ran around the house once and finally came to a halt right under Billy’s window. Throw stones, stones hit windows, make almost inaudible noise, Billy wakes up, goes to window, sees me, closes window. Do I have a Plan C? Doesn’t seem so. Plan B then. Thought and done. Thirteen stones later a lamp inside Billy’s room was lightened and a moment later, the window rattled and Billy’s head appeared. Dom at once felt like Romeo.

“Hi!”

“Dom? What are ye doin’ here?”, were his first sleepy words.

“I have to talk to you!”, Dom shouted as quiet as he could and moved his lips very clearly while gesticulating strongly.

“Can’t it wait till tomorrow morning?”, Billy asked confused.

“No, it has to be now!” Again a lot of mouth work here.

First Billy didn’t answer, but then he nodded, or at least it looked like it from down there.

“Come to the back door, Ah’ll let ye in.”

Dominic did as he was told and sneaked to the back of the house where Billy was already standing, dressed in boxer shorts and a too large grey shirt which read “I’m with Genius”.* At first he refused to let Dom inside, blocking his way, but after a while he stepped aside.

“Ah hope ye have a good reason to come here at this hour!”, Billy scolded quietly as they went upstairs to his room. Entering it Dom positioned himself in the middle of it, looking around. He took a deep breath through his nose to take in Billy’s scent that lay in the air. He did not want to miss it any more.

“So. Why’re ye here?”, Billy asked at once, standing opposite of Dom watching him closely but avoided his eyes.

“I haven’t changed, Billy. I don’t want to.”, Dom began calmly.

“What?”

“You asked me to become the person I once had been. But I cannot do that. I don’t want to be that person ever again.”

After a minute of silence, Billy answered “Ah understand.” He turned his back on Dominic. “Ye’ve come to say goodbye.”

“No, I did not.”, Dom denied. “I came here to tell you that I have found myself again. It was deep buried inside of me, but with the help of…someone I have succeeded to free it.”

Dom saw Billy shivering, silent sobs escaping his lips, yet he didn’t say anything.

“I know this maybe sound old and not very original but, I need you, Billy. And I can’t stand another day being without you.” Dom hesitated if he should tell Billy what had been on his mind for the past few months, finally, “My father meant…means a lot to me. And I could not get over it. I kept blaming myself for his death. This pulled me down, made me hide my feelings, avoiding your touch. I hated being touched. But now that I didn’t feel your hand, your face, your lips on mine, your body, your skin for what seems to be an eternity…I realized that at some point everyone needs to be touched. And now it is my turn. Please, Billy, touch me again.”

Dom didn’t need to speak on, he almost was interrupted in his little, spontaneously made up speech by Billy who was now digging his fingers into the back of the younger boy. He held on to him, pressing his lips against Dom’s. His hot tears stroked Dom’s cheek and wettened it a bit.

“Stop speaking, ye wanker. Ye already had me,… ye already had me at hello.”**, Billy cried, trying hard to catch his breath again. He rested his head on Dom’s shoulder and so they stood for a long time. Dominic couldn’t believe that Billy had forgiven him. He was right here with him, holding him, embracing him, kissing him, touching him, loving him. Dom nuzzled Billy’s neck, placed a soft kiss on the fragile skin there.

“Thank you.”

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*Who watches SGA will understand that little joke I put in. ^^ It’s the writing on Rodney’s t-shirt in the episode “Home” of the first Season.

**And again a famous line from a famous movie. Jerry McGuire, nearly the end of the film. I am really sorry, but it fitted so perfectly well in this scene!