Legolas and Haldir's Most Excellent Adventure
folder
-Multi-Age › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
16
Views:
1,013
Reviews:
3
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
-Multi-Age › General
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
16
Views:
1,013
Reviews:
3
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own the Lord of the Rings (and associated) book series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Chapter 13
Authors: the Gruesome Twosome (you know who we are...)
Betas: ourselves...
Rating: S for silliness or Pg-13
Pairings: Everyone and Haldir's ass...(makes pinching motions
and kissy sounds)
Disclaimer: if we owned Bill and Ted or LOTR, we wouldn't be
writing fan fic...actually we probably would, only more of it,
because we'd be rich and have lots more free time...
Summary: We are so making you guess...
Feedback: YES!
Haldir: Let us get this straight, right now…MY ASS DOES NOT
JIGGLE!
Legolas: Haldir…I really hate to be the one to tell you this, but…
Haldir: MY ASS DOES NOT JIGGLE!
Legolas: But, Haldir…really, it…
Haldir *grabbing Legolas around the neck and shaking him
fiercely* WHAT…ABOUT…MY…ASS…?
Legolas: *squeaking* Nothing…nothing. Your ass is as hard as
a rock. Iron…pure iron. You could crack a walnut between those
cheeks.
Haldir: Thank you. You know, I try to eat right, exercise…
Legolas: *rubbing his throat and sighing as he watches Haldir's
jiggly ass as he walks away* He's in denial…we may need to
have an intervention…
Legolas and Haldir's Excellent Adventure
Chapter 13
While Haldir was busily trying to pop his eyes back in his head
where they belonged after spotting Galadriel in her red silk teddy,
Gollum and Grima were having some problems of their own.
They had been minding their own business, strolling along the
mall hand in hand - much to the horror of mothers with small
children -window shopping, when suddenly a pair of hands had
grabbed Gollum by the shoulders and neatly plucked him up,
disappearing into a store.
Looking up at the sign over the store, Grima read,
X-G-W-A-B-J-E-2-O-8, before he reminded himself that he'd
never learned to read. Of course, to those of us with more than a
second grade education, the sign would have read,
"E-X-O-T-I-C-P-E-T-S."
Grima ran into the store after his beloved, only to find him shoved
into a very small cage, right in between an aquarium full of
tarantulas and cage that housed a rather bad tempered spider
monkey. The sign on Gollum's cage read, "Iguana."
"What are you doing to my Gollum?" an outraged Grima
demanded of the attendant, who was busily feeding goldfish to a
rather large boa constrictor named "Al."
"You're what? Oh…that's an iguana. He's $150.00, and he's not
housebroken…see?" The attendant pointed to the bottom of
Gollum's cage which was now studded with little, tiny,
Gollum-poo.
"That is not an iguana…THAT is my Gollum!" Grima shouted,
jabbing one black fingernailed hand at the cage.
"You can name him anything you want, after you've paid for him."
"No, no, no! You don't understand…I love him!"
"Yeah, well…we're all real fond of him too."
"NO! You still don't understand…I make love with him!"
"Hey, whatever floats your boat pal, but, between you and me…I
think that's illegal in this state. PETA is gonna be all over your
ass if they find out."
"GIVE ME MY GOLLUM!"
Merry and Pippin, being immune to Galadriel's legs (after all,
they must have looked like tree trunks to Hobbits), heard Grima's
high pitched screeching. They poked Legolas until they got his
attention - it took about three dozen pokes - and informed him
that Grima and Gollum were in trouble.
"My shoes are wet," Legolas said, lifting one sopping boot from
the floor.
"You've been drooling on them for about an hour now," Merry
informed him.
Legolas, followed by Merry and Pippin, followed the shrieking
voice until they found Grima in the Exotic Pets Store. Looking at
the clerk, Legolas said, "I believe there has been a mistake
made…this is not an iguana…this is a Gollum, and he belongs
to us."
"He looks like an iguana."
"No he does not…he looks like a Gollum." Legolas grabbed a
reference book off the shelf, and opened it to a picture of an
iguana. "See? This is an iguana," he said, holding the book up
next to Gollum's face, "and this is…oh…he really DOES look like
an iguana."
"Told you so," the clerk smiled.
Sighing, Merry and Pippin looked at each other. As one they
jumped at the clerk, each biting him on an ankle.
Legolas grabbed the cage with Gollum in it, and ran out of the
store, followed by Grima and the Hobbits, and a limping,
screaming clerk.
They met up with Haldir and the rest, and the reunited group ran
toward the front doors, trying to make it back to the telephone
booth.
Close on their heels were three brown uniformed guards, the
manager of the Leafy Green's Sporting Goods Store, the
manager of the Victoria Secret's Store (evidently Galadriel hadn't
understood what "cash or charge " meant), the waitress from the
all-u-care-to-eat-buffet, the hobbling clerk from the Exotic Pets
Store, three Hooters Girls, and a gaggle of blue-haired old ladies
armed with canes and purses the size of small cars.
Haldir, being the ever-resourceful March Warden, pulled out a
bag of marbles (from his ass…hence all the jiggling), spilling
them in an arc in the group's wake.
As the group wedged themselves into the telephone booth
(made a bit easier by keeping Gollum in his cage - Legolas
managed to lash it to the roof of the booth with his belt - Haldir
dialed a number at random and the booth disappeared in a puff
of smoke and a flash of light.
The lead story on the news that night was of a tragedy at the San
Dimas Mall, where 78 people were injured in a freak marble
accident. Film at eleven.
Betas: ourselves...
Rating: S for silliness or Pg-13
Pairings: Everyone and Haldir's ass...(makes pinching motions
and kissy sounds)
Disclaimer: if we owned Bill and Ted or LOTR, we wouldn't be
writing fan fic...actually we probably would, only more of it,
because we'd be rich and have lots more free time...
Summary: We are so making you guess...
Feedback: YES!
Haldir: Let us get this straight, right now…MY ASS DOES NOT
JIGGLE!
Legolas: Haldir…I really hate to be the one to tell you this, but…
Haldir: MY ASS DOES NOT JIGGLE!
Legolas: But, Haldir…really, it…
Haldir *grabbing Legolas around the neck and shaking him
fiercely* WHAT…ABOUT…MY…ASS…?
Legolas: *squeaking* Nothing…nothing. Your ass is as hard as
a rock. Iron…pure iron. You could crack a walnut between those
cheeks.
Haldir: Thank you. You know, I try to eat right, exercise…
Legolas: *rubbing his throat and sighing as he watches Haldir's
jiggly ass as he walks away* He's in denial…we may need to
have an intervention…
Legolas and Haldir's Excellent Adventure
Chapter 13
While Haldir was busily trying to pop his eyes back in his head
where they belonged after spotting Galadriel in her red silk teddy,
Gollum and Grima were having some problems of their own.
They had been minding their own business, strolling along the
mall hand in hand - much to the horror of mothers with small
children -window shopping, when suddenly a pair of hands had
grabbed Gollum by the shoulders and neatly plucked him up,
disappearing into a store.
Looking up at the sign over the store, Grima read,
X-G-W-A-B-J-E-2-O-8, before he reminded himself that he'd
never learned to read. Of course, to those of us with more than a
second grade education, the sign would have read,
"E-X-O-T-I-C-P-E-T-S."
Grima ran into the store after his beloved, only to find him shoved
into a very small cage, right in between an aquarium full of
tarantulas and cage that housed a rather bad tempered spider
monkey. The sign on Gollum's cage read, "Iguana."
"What are you doing to my Gollum?" an outraged Grima
demanded of the attendant, who was busily feeding goldfish to a
rather large boa constrictor named "Al."
"You're what? Oh…that's an iguana. He's $150.00, and he's not
housebroken…see?" The attendant pointed to the bottom of
Gollum's cage which was now studded with little, tiny,
Gollum-poo.
"That is not an iguana…THAT is my Gollum!" Grima shouted,
jabbing one black fingernailed hand at the cage.
"You can name him anything you want, after you've paid for him."
"No, no, no! You don't understand…I love him!"
"Yeah, well…we're all real fond of him too."
"NO! You still don't understand…I make love with him!"
"Hey, whatever floats your boat pal, but, between you and me…I
think that's illegal in this state. PETA is gonna be all over your
ass if they find out."
"GIVE ME MY GOLLUM!"
Merry and Pippin, being immune to Galadriel's legs (after all,
they must have looked like tree trunks to Hobbits), heard Grima's
high pitched screeching. They poked Legolas until they got his
attention - it took about three dozen pokes - and informed him
that Grima and Gollum were in trouble.
"My shoes are wet," Legolas said, lifting one sopping boot from
the floor.
"You've been drooling on them for about an hour now," Merry
informed him.
Legolas, followed by Merry and Pippin, followed the shrieking
voice until they found Grima in the Exotic Pets Store. Looking at
the clerk, Legolas said, "I believe there has been a mistake
made…this is not an iguana…this is a Gollum, and he belongs
to us."
"He looks like an iguana."
"No he does not…he looks like a Gollum." Legolas grabbed a
reference book off the shelf, and opened it to a picture of an
iguana. "See? This is an iguana," he said, holding the book up
next to Gollum's face, "and this is…oh…he really DOES look like
an iguana."
"Told you so," the clerk smiled.
Sighing, Merry and Pippin looked at each other. As one they
jumped at the clerk, each biting him on an ankle.
Legolas grabbed the cage with Gollum in it, and ran out of the
store, followed by Grima and the Hobbits, and a limping,
screaming clerk.
They met up with Haldir and the rest, and the reunited group ran
toward the front doors, trying to make it back to the telephone
booth.
Close on their heels were three brown uniformed guards, the
manager of the Leafy Green's Sporting Goods Store, the
manager of the Victoria Secret's Store (evidently Galadriel hadn't
understood what "cash or charge " meant), the waitress from the
all-u-care-to-eat-buffet, the hobbling clerk from the Exotic Pets
Store, three Hooters Girls, and a gaggle of blue-haired old ladies
armed with canes and purses the size of small cars.
Haldir, being the ever-resourceful March Warden, pulled out a
bag of marbles (from his ass…hence all the jiggling), spilling
them in an arc in the group's wake.
As the group wedged themselves into the telephone booth
(made a bit easier by keeping Gollum in his cage - Legolas
managed to lash it to the roof of the booth with his belt - Haldir
dialed a number at random and the booth disappeared in a puff
of smoke and a flash of light.
The lead story on the news that night was of a tragedy at the San
Dimas Mall, where 78 people were injured in a freak marble
accident. Film at eleven.