Tokowhà

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“… never happened to me before. I mean, go figure! I was this close to going real ballistic. Or am I overreacting? What do you think? Hey, are you even listening? Hello?! KARL!“

A loud click of fingers in front of Karl’s face made the Kiwi snap out of his deep thoughts. Confused, he looked into the face of his best friend who sat opposite to him at a table outdoors. They just had called it a day and many crewmembers started their spare time here in the catering area, with a coffee or a few sandwiches. Most of them occupied those chairs, benches and tables which were outside in the fading but still warming sun instead of those in the huge tent.

“I’m sorry, Dave“, Karl replied and tried to concentrate on his mate. “What did you just say?“

David didn’t repeat what he just had told, but only sighed. “Gee, Karl, what’s wrong with you? You’re really strange today.”

“Only in your imagination. Nothing’s wrong“, Karl lied.

“Oh come on, you know exactly that you can’t fool me. Spit it out. What bothers you?”

Karl didn’t answer but absently fumbled for a cigarette, but before he managed to get one out of the packet that was lying before him on the table, David’s hand was placed on his own and stopped him.

“If you keep this up the smoke will come out of your ears soon. The cigarette packet is already half-empty and you opened it only moments ago.” The Australian actor let go of Karl and quickly snatched the packet to put it out of Karl’s reach. “Okay“, he said calmly and leaned a little forward, placing his forearms on the table. “And now tell me what troubles you. Maybe I can help you.“

Karl gave a hopeless laugh. “I doubt it, but thank you.”

“You’re such a horribly confirmed pessimist, do you know that?” With piercing eyes, David looked at his friend who seemed to be so very miserable today, until Karl finally surrendered and leaned forward on the table, too, so that no one could overhear their conversation.

“See that guy over there with Miranda and Dominic? The cameraman?“ Karl asked in a low voice. David shifted his gaze to said direction without attracting any attention.

“Scott?“

“No idea what he’s called“, Karl murmured truthfully, “but yesterday I had it off with him and it was gruesome.”

David looked at him with large eyes. “You fucked with him and don’t even know his name?” he asked, flabbergasted. “And do you know that Scott is actually married?“

“No, and I don’t give a damn about it“, Karl replied. “I’m trying to explain to you that yesterday I had sex and felt like shit afterwards. That’s not normal!”

“Why, it actually can happen once in a while. You can happen to get involved with women – or men – who don’t really hit the spot. Or your spot, for that matter. Happened to me, too. Nothing to get depressive over.“

“But that’s exactly the point… He wasn’t that bad.”

“No?“

“Well, I hit my peak after all, but it was… lousy. The crappiest orgasm I ever experienced in my life. It really sucked.”

“I see“, David said thoughtfully and took a sip from his coffee. “And do you have any idea where that comes from? No offense, but usually you jump at every chance to get bedded and feel good with it.”

“What do you think I am brooding over all the time, hm?”

“Do you think it’s because of Sean?“ David asked straight-forward.

“Nonsense.“ Karl blocked a liitle too fast and shifted his gaze one more time to his colleagues who stood some distance away on the grass, chatting and laughing. He didn’t want to look David in the eyes, because nobody else could read his own as well as his best friend.

“It was just a thought that came to me. I mean, the two of you see each other pretty often, don’t you think?”

“So?“ Karl asked a little sharply. “Is that prohibited, or what?”

“No, of course not, it was only an idea…“ David hesitated for a moment and sipped his coffee to gain some time. He knew exactly when he’d touched a sore spot on his best friend and had to be careful if he didn’t want Karl to totally freak out. Usually, Karl was a pretty calm and peaceful guy, but David knew that he only hid his hot temper very well, and that, when it eventually came to the surface, you had better run for cover.

“How’s it going with you and Liv, by the way?” Karl suddenly asked before David had the chance to dwell upon the subject of Sean. “Judging from your current mental balance she’s busy as a bee helping you to discharge some pressure, at least twice a day I’d say.”

“Karl, really, sometimes you’re obnoxious.” A smile appeared on David’s face as he thought of his dark-haired female colleague who was in fact much more to him that just that. “It couldn’t be better, thanks for asking.“

“Shit, don’t tell me you’re smitten.” Now there was a broad grin on Karl’s face, too.

“Yeah, yeah, I know, you never would have thought it possible that I’m capable of having a serious relationship, but I guess I’m head over heels in love.”

“Wow, so the lady did tame you at last? Respect! I mean, it’s not that long ago that you tried to get into the panties of this cute female make-up artist.”

“It’s all water under the bridge now“, David declined, still smiling. Suddenly he had to think of Karl’s “problem” again, and so he continued as casually as possible, “You know, with Liv it’s different than with all the other women before her. She’s so funny and interesting and sweet. I just feel very comfortable with her, although we don’t even know each other for a very long time. Somehow we just fit. Also in bed, if you know what I mean.“ David threw a careful glance at Karl. “It might sound insane, but since this whole thing with Liv started, other women are of no interest to me any longer. Liv is all I want and more. Why should I go for some make-up artist when I can have her?”

“Don’t say you’re mutating to some faithful romantic”, Karl teased playfully, but David didn’t play along as he usually did. He remained very serious instead.

“If you’ve found the right one, you maybe should consider not landing one short-lived and fly-by-night fling after the other. Even though you probably don’t want to believe it, it can actually be very nice to concentrate on just one single person, Karl. It’s no crime to fall in love. It’s no evil you have to fight.“

“I can very well decide about that on my own, Doctor Wenham”, Karl said grumpily, leaned over the table to snatch back his packet of cigarettes and rose from his chair. “Bye Dave, and say hi to Liv from me if you see her later on.”

“I will. And think about what I told you if you’re not busy having lousy sex with strangers.“

“Very funny, David.“ Sulkily, Karl turned and grimly trudged away, but his best friend’s words didn’t leave his mind again.

Orlando sat on his bed and nervously bit his nails. A moment ago he’d paced up and down, until he had forced himself to sit down, but the excitement only got worse then. He felt downright sick from sheer nervousness.

Sean had arranged a meeting with him tonight and it could only be a matter of minutes until he would show up at Orlando’s place. Sean was always on time. They wanted to talk, so much was clear, but nonetheless Orlando didn’t know what to expect, and when finally there was a knock on the door his heart was in his mouth. With sweaty hands Orlando opened the door and couldn’t help giving his visitor a beaming smile.

“Come in“, he said and softly closed the door after Sean had entered. “Do you want a drink?“

“No, thanks“, Sean rejected the offer. This disappointed Orlando a little, but it actually wasn’t really important whether or not they shared a drink. Everything that mattered was the fact that Sean was with him now and that they were uninterrupted. And far, far away from Karl.

Orlando still tried to think of something to say to Sean, when the older Brit raised an issue in a quicker way than Orlando would have liked. “We need to talk“, Sean said point-blank. He didn’t take a seat, didn’t make himself at home in Orlando’s trailer like he’d done in earlier times, but just kept standing there. Keeping Orlando at bay. Orlando bit his bottom lip, wavering.

“Yes, I know“, he replied and again tried to smile. “With Viggo the other day… You got that totally wrong. I’m not dating him or something. Viggo is just a good friend. Honestly!“

For a few seconds, Sean regarded his young colleague speechlessly, being at a loss of words. Did Orlando really believe he had come to tell him that he was jealous of Viggo? That was ridiculous! Sean sighed softly. This conversation would propably turn out to be much more difficult than he had originally expected.

“I didn’t date anyone since you and I... uhm… well, since you went away“, Orlando added with a low voice and smiled faintheartedly. Sean ignored this affectionate confession and instead said, “You don’t look good, Orlando. Viggo and I are very worried about you.“

“I’m not feeling very well, indeed“, Orlando said and took a step towards Sean who eyed him suspiciously. The expression in Orlando’s eyes didn’t leave any doubts about his feelings for Sean and what he had in mind, and Sean felt a lump forming in his throat as Orlando’s hand came to rest on his chest and started to play with the zipper of his gray sweater, almost shyly. “You could make me feel good again“, Orlando said with seductive bedroom eyes. Sean swallowed, hard. The little one knew how to display his charms, but Sean wouldn’t yield to the sweet and beautiful temptation again. This time he had and wanted to back out before it was too late again. Carefully but also with determination he grasped Orlando’s wrist which was slender in his large hand, and just in time prevented Orlando from pulling the zipper down.

“Don’t“, was everything Sean was able to get out at this moment. He hoped desperately that Orlando would understand and leave him alone now instead of forcing him to get more clearly. He didn’t want to hurt Orlando, but a part of him already knew that he probably would have to do just that.

“I missed you so much“, Orlando said, not moving to break from Sean’s grip. “Didn’t you miss me?“

“Of course I did“, Sean said truthfully. Just not the way you want me to, he wanted to add, but he just didn’t have the heart to say it out loud. In Orlando’s eyes there was so much heart-warming devotion and freshly rekindled hope which he would crush to death with such a sentence. Just like that.

“Sean?“ Orlando whispered, his eyes darkening a little.

“Yes?“ Sean replied, almost fearfully. Without even noticing, he held his breath, because whatever Orlando would say now, it just couldn’t be any good.

“I’d like to sleep with you. Now.“ Orlando looked at Sean with his big, brown and hopeful eyes, and the gaze of the older man compassionately roamed his angelic, young face... fine features, soft lips, unwrinkled, clean and delicate skin... He was perfect. And yet he wasn’t what Sean needed. He wasn’t what Sean wanted. Not anymore.

Slowly and without saying a word the blond man shook his head. Sean could actually see the moment in which Orlando could no longer pretend that there was a future for them together and slowly started to realize the truth. Something inside of the young man seemed to shatter then, when he could read the rejection in the green eyes, and Sean himself felt a physical pain when Orlando’s mood took another drastic swing and his face suddenly displayed so much despair and hurt. For a while they just stood opposite to each other, in complete silence. Sean being at a total loss with the situation, and Orlando sorting out his disordered emotions.

“Please…“ Orlando suddenly begged, broke free from Sean’s grip and desperately clutched the shirt of the older man with both hands. “Please, Sean... take me.“

“No, Orlando. I don’t think that’s a good idea“, Sean warded him off diffidently and as carefully as possible and tried to gently detach the hands of the younger man from his shirt.

“But I want it!“ Orlando blurted out, the vehemence in his voice startling Sean. “You can do with me whatever you want, please Sean!” Orlando leaned forward, trying with all his might to kiss him on his mouth, but Sean turned away and pushed him off, harder than he had intended.

“Stop that!“ he snapped, getting louder now.

“But I thought I mean something to you! I... I waited especially for you!” the young Brit ground out almost hysterically. “And you came back to me! You are here with me, aren’t you?! You came back!“

When Orlando again attempted to press himself against Sean, the older man grabbed him by the shoulders to keep him at bay, almost shaking him while he barked at him, “Stop it already, Orlando! I didn’t come back to you but to my work! Not to mention that we didn’t even have anything between us which I could have come back to! We’re no twosome, and we’ve never been one!“

“Then I guess I only dreamed that you shoved your cock up my ass, or what?!” Orlando raged, fighting with tears.

“You have no idea how much I wish that it was only a dream indeed, but unfortunately it wasn’t! It wasn’t an ultimate declaration of love, either, but only a one-night-stand between two friends! A one-time thing! Nothing more! Just a short-lived fling! Get that inside of your head, for crying out loud!” Sean barked back at him before he even knew what exactly he was launching out so abrasively. Orlando, who had more and more sunken down with each and every word, swallowed troublesomely and obviously struggled hard to keep his countenance. His cheeks were flushed with agitation.

“Why are you saying that?!” the younger man finally asked, horrified. “I would give everything to you, Sean, everything! Because – because I love you! I’d do anything for you! For us! Please, Sean, I love you! Why don’t you want me?! Why can’t you at least give us a chance?!”

“Because you –!” Sean broke off in the middle of the sentence when Orlando’s large, sad eyes looked deeply into his own, his penetrating gaze piercing straight into Sean’s innermost core. Sean’s voice faded and his guts seemed to twist painfully. He had wanted to calmly talk things out with Orlando, and now they were bawling at one another. He had to force himself to calm down again unless he wanted to provoke a complete escalation.

“Because what?“ Orlando whispered, his eyes getting even more watery. He blinked violently to keep back the tears somehow. If only Orlando would let the matter rest. If only he would accept it instead of going further into the subject and demanding explanations. Then, everything would be easier. But he went further into the subject and demanded explanations, and Sean had to answer, whether or not he liked it, even though nothing had ever been so difficult for him.

“Because you aren’t Karl“, Sean said, his voice almost as quiet as Orlando’s. He watched the first tear escaping the right eye of the young man, rolling down the flawless, reddened cheek. “I want Karl. And you aren’t him. I’m sorry, Orlando”, Sean whispered throatily, and even though he knew that he had to say it out loud in order to get Orlando to finally understand, he felt like the greatest bastard on Earth, especially when Orlando slowly slid down to the floor, with his back against the wall. He pulled his legs close to his body and quickly burried his face in his crossed arms. There were no sobs and no whimpers, but the shivering of his shoulders gave away that he couldn’t hold back his tears anymore. Helplessly, Sean looked down to the crying, trembling bundle Orlando that once had been a real live wire, bristling with energy and vitality. And he asked himself if maybe his three ex-wives had been right after all, when they, as everything had been going down the drain, had called him an unfeeling asshole.

A choked, heartrending sob tore him from his depressing thoughts about his numerous female – and also some male – lovers and liaisons. He was a damn asshole, indeed. Here, huddled up in front of him, was the proof: Another human being whose feelings he had trampled down. Another human being he, with his inconsiderateness, had successfully driven to the verge of black despair. Suddenly he felt sick and he had the feeling that he was going to throw up if he stayed any longer and watched Orlando cry. He just had to get away, and so he left the trailer without saying one more word. He couldn’t comfort and soothe Orlando anyway.

But when he was out of the door he realized that he had left behind Orlando, but not at all his bone-crushing feeling of queasiness. It wasn’t Orlando who made him sick, after all, but himself. His own deeds, his thoughts, his lack of self-control, his horrible ability to dump down feeling people so coldheartedly; All this made him sick. But he couldn’t really run away from himself. If he could, this would have been the moment Sean actually would have done so.

Without thinking about it for long, he hurried to Viggo’s trailer and pounded the door, but nobody opened. Swearing under his breath he made his way to his own trailer and grabbed the cell phone, which he unfortunately hadn’t taken with him, and dialed. After the fourth ring the phone was being picked up and Ian McKellen answered.

“Hi, it’s me, Sean. Excuse me if I’m bugging you, but is Viggo with you?“ Sean asked without even getting into any smalltalk. He knew that every now and then Viggo spent an evening at Ian’s, who didn’t live in one of the huge trailers but in a proper apartment not that far away from the set.

“Yes, Viggo is here. Are you alright? You sound very tense.“

“I just need to talk to him. It’s urgent. Please, Ian.”

“Hang on a moment, I’ll get him.” There was a short click as Ian put down the phone. Seconds which seemed like hours to Sean passed by, but finally the phone was picked up again and Viggo’s calm, somewhat monotonous voice asked, “Sean? What can I do for you?“

“Viggo, could you please stop whatever you were doing and drive over to Orlando straight away? Please? I think he might need you right now.”

“What happened?“ Viggo wanted to know. All of a sudden he was alarmed and very concerned, and Sean felt like an even bigger asshole than he did anyway. He really was a son of a bitch. He wouldn’t be surprised if Viggo was mad at him after tonight. It was hard to miss that Viggo had set his heart on Orlando, and he had asked Sean to have a clarifying talk with the little one, and what had Sean done? He’d trampled him down and left behind a picture of misery.

“Sean? Are you still there?“

“Yes. I’m sorry. Listen, just go to him, okay? Please, Viggo. I don’t know what to do, but he can’t stay alone in his current state. He might do something really stupid or... Oh God”, Sean took a deep and shivering breath and gathered himself before he continued with a little more composure, “Orlando doesn’t feel very well and he could use some support. You always have a calming influence on him, that’s why I believe that your presence would help him greatly. Will you go?”

“Of course. Is he in his trailer? Or is he... at your place?“ On the other end of the line, Viggo swallowed so hard that Sean could hear it through the phone.

“No... no, he’s not at my place. He’s in his trailer.”

“Okay. I’ll drive over and check on him.“

“Thanks, Viggo”, Sean said, but his best friend had already hung up on him.