Sex, Drugs, and Orcish Theatre

Chapter 12

"We should probably get back at some point," said Legolas. "I'm starving and exhausted. And before you say it, you don't count as sustenance."

Haldir's superior smirk had returned to his face as he watched Legolas dress. The earlier humiliation had almost been compensated for by a dose of hot elven fellatio. Haldir stood up and picked up Kalina's cloak. "Lucky bitch. I've been after one of these for ages," he sniffed, shaking out the cloak to get rid of dirt and twigs, then draped it around his shoulders. Something cold and slimy stuck to his leg.

Haldir jumped and slapped at his leg, momentarily terrified that Sméagol was back. Then he realized that it was merely a bit of damp and sticky fabric. Haldir groaned, all too familiar unpleasant texture.

"Legolas... did you er.... spit or swallow?" asked Haldir.

"I... swallowed?" tried Legolas.

"Right. Then could you please explain this decidedly unpleasant defilement of psycho-succu-whore's clearly very expensive CLOAK THAT SHE ENTRUSTED TO ME???!?!?!!!" Haldir screamed, his face possessed by rage and fear (fear being predominant). He thrust the stained patch of cloth in Legolas's face.

Legolas clutched his shirt and edged away. "Okay, okay, I spat... Shit... she really will kill you, won't she," said Legolas.

"Well, yes. And even though it's all your fault, she'll at least let you live on account of you clearly providing her with some sort of twisted satisfaction that I really don't want to know of," sneered Haldir.

"Oh, shut the fuck up. Kalina is NOT that bad. Look, I'll come up with some excuse. And if she does decide to punish me, then I'm sure I'll enjoy it." Legolas's eyes glazed over and a distant smile crept onto his lips.

"Legolas!" whined Haldir. Legolas blinked and focused on Haldir. "You're worse than Aragorn was when he met Arwen. And THAT was nauseating."

"You know what? You should get her drunk and lie back and let her inflict herself on you. And then, and ONLY then will you understand why I want you and her in a threesome," explained Legolas.

"That's possibly the most horrific thing I've heard all day," said Haldir, a look of bitter distaste twisting his mouth. "I refuse to allow myself to be 'dominated' by some irritating little girl whose mother was probably some kind of agent of Morgoth himself, long forgotten but still reeking of evil. Who is her mother, anyway?"

Legolas shrugged. "What or who was Elrond doing thirty-seven years ago?"

"Ooooh... wasn't that about when he hooked up with Gandalf when they were going through that opium fiend phase? And he had those fearsome sideburns" Haldir cringed, remembering Elrond going through withdrawal and babbling about demonic babies on the ceiling, twisting their heads around and grinning at him. 'Probably a premonition,' he thought.

"Well that could be any one of that harem of young scantily clad vixens he had following him around." Legolas's eyes misted over as he thought about some of the women involved in the harem. Quite a few of them could easily have been responsible for bringing something as deviant as Kalina into the world.

"So what about this cloak?" demanded Haldir.

"Look. You put on my clothes, I'll take the cloak. I'll tell her that you passed out for a bit allowing myself time to... er..."

"Jerk yourself off?" suggested Haldir.

"Precisely," Legolas agreed.

"Well, it's probably the sort of thing that happens around her, filthy whore that she is."

"I know! Oh. Hang on, it's you. She's NOT a whore!"

"Whatever. Can I have your clothes now? I'm hungry."

"Here," said Legolas, quickly stripping and handing over his clothes. He grabbed the cloak off of Haldir and wrapped it around himself. Haldir quickly pulled them on and then extinguished the fire. The sun had gone down by now and it was dark as they walked back to camp.

"Damn, doesn't smell like Aragorn caught anything for dinner," commented Haldir as they approached.

"Shame. I think I've got some bacon and I think I saw some mushrooms back there," replied Legolas absently. He thought he could hear something in the direction of camp.

"Did you hear that?" asked Haldir, also hearing something. "Oh no... she wouldn't."

"Wouldn't what?" Legolas asked defensively.

"Fuck her sister's fiancé? "

Legolas was momentarily shocked, the found that he wasn't that bothered. After all, a threesome involving a human was something that he had on his to-do list but had never got around to implementing.

Haldir smacked his forehead in irritation. "I really shouldn't have told you that. STOP GRINNING!! I know what you're thinking! Do that sometime else!! I'm tired and fed up!!"

Legolas sighed with exasperation. "Fine. I'm too tired tonight anyway." They began to draw near to the camp. Things seemed to have gone quiet for now.

"Oooh, at *east they had enough dignity to do it under a blanket," quipped Haldir. Somewhere along the way Kalina and Aragorn had unpacked and dredged out enough blankets to get comfortable.

"Not the first time around," replied Kalina, pushing Aragorn back slightly. He looked around and only then noticed Haldir and Legolas standing above him.

"Vile harridan. Now where did I leave my things..."

"Kalina, I had a little accident with your cloak," lied Legolas, feigning sheepishness.

"What did you do to it," sighed Kalina.

"Well, I gave Haldir some dwarf liquor and he dozed off. So I wandered off into the woods, started to misu. Iu. I'd traded clothes with Haldir, you see, since he was feeling cold and shaky." In the background Haldir snorted.

"So you decided that my cloak was worth spewing your masculine juices all over it. LOVELY. No sex for you." Haldir tried to suppress a burst of laughter as Legolas's face fell. "I will not have my slave fucking up my things."

"Haldir did it," said Legolas quickly.

"YOU SPAT!!!" shouted Haldir, furious at this sudden betrayal.

"Spat?" Aragorn asked, confused.

"YOU HAD NO OBECTIONS HALF AN HOUR AGO!!!"

"Please tell me the conclusion I've come to involving and and Haldir is wrong," said Kalina in lethally syrupy tones. Aragorn had heard it before and edged away. A vicious quiet descended among the four. "I'll take it the lack of comment is due to guilt then."

"Sorry Mistress?" pleaded Legolas, dropping to his knees. Kalina glared at him, then relented slightly.

"Fine. Apology accepted. However, you'd better make it worth my while tomorrow. Oh, and Haldir? I have no problem with detaching your testicles if you ever touch anything of mine again."

"I'm surprised I haven't got some nasty form of leprosy from your rancid possessions," called Haldir from a safe distance.

"Cunt," Kalina mumbled. She toyed with hurling something in Haldir's directbut but could feel fatigue urging her not to bother. Instead she curled up next to Aragorn whip was already starting to drift off.

"Sleep?" suggested Kalina, yawning midway. Legolas returned the yawn and nodded. Still wearing the now infamous cloak, he grabbed a blanket and returned, pulling off the cloak. He tried to figure out what to do with it, having come too close to being deprived of the lust of a violent female only recently.

"Just drop it anywhere. Too tired to care." Kalina yawned again.

Legolas complied, then slumped down next to Kalina, exhausted.

"Ahem... we never did kill that creature that I fended off." Haldir's indignation factor was again on the rise. "Shouldn't we keep watch?"

"Good idea. Wake us at dawn. Preferably with breakfast. Good night," replied Kalina.

Haldir began to seethe again. "FINE. I have these BRILLIANT ideas but NOoOOooOo. NOBODY LISTENS TO ME!!!! Except Legolas. Sometimes. BUT I DEMAND SOME RESPECT!!!" He threw himself down on the ground and started kicking his legs and hitting the ground with his fists.

"Right, that's it..." Kalina, who had been burrowed into her blankets stuck our a hand with exquisitely sharp nails and grabbed her pack. Haldir was still throwing a tantrum and making it look like he was having a severe epileptic fit as Kalina pulled out a small case and opened it.

"What's that?" asked Legolas, taking his eyes off Haldir. Kalina opened the case and screwed three narrow finely carved ebony tubes together. She then opened a small compartment within the case itself and pulled out a small color-coded dart. "Kalina!!" gasped Aragorn, horrified.

"I'm not going to kill him," she sighed, wishing she could but she knew damn fine well she'd be grounded for at least a month and even Daddy would have a hard time covering an 'accident' like this.

"... AND YOU'RE ALL AS BAD AS EACH OTHER!!!! RESPECT MEEEEEEEEE!!!! I DESERVE IT!!!! I'M BRIGHT AND OH SO VERY PRETTY!!!!" wailed Haldir.

"Where did you get that?" demanded Legolas as Kalina loaded the blowpipe.

"I have connections that were able to smuggle it fthe the south-east for me. I was after one for years," explained Kalina. She put the pipes to her lips and aimed. The dart shot out and hit Haldir's thigh as he lay on his back, stamping his feet. Then he jumped up, yelping. Kalina quickly hid the weapon and began dismantling it under her blanket while Haldir started to rave about the insects now conspiring to kill him while pacing like a captive carnivore.

"Any minute now..." said Kalina as Legolas and Aragorn watched intently. Neither of them had ever seen a full-grown elf act like this. But then, he was currently sleep deprived, hungry, and the victim of a slimy aquatic sexual assault and forced to spend time in the company of Kalina whom he feared and loathed. So neither him nor Aragorn were too quick to judge.

"AND NOW YOU CUNTS WON'T STOP STARING AT ME!!! WHAT??? WHAT'S WRONG WITH-" In mid-sentence, Haldir fell over, unconscious.

"Thank you and good night," proclaimed Kalina. "He'll wake up tomorrow at some point, mildly groggy but fine. Oh, and hallucinations are often common. And personality changes (temporary), yawning, mania... I had a list somewhere but I think I left it at home."

"He's shut up and isn't dead. I'm happy," Legolas said with an indifferent shrug. He had gone far too long without anyep. ep. He rolled over, pulled the blanket over his head and was soon asleep.