Dearly Beloved

xii. The Unwanted Touch

“No, don’t worry, Kirsten. He’s here with me. I’ve found him. – No, I hope nothing is broken, but I will take him to the hospital tomorrow morning, just to be sure. – I’m driving to my house, is that okay? – Yeah, of course he can stay over night. – All right, go to sleep and rest a bit. – Good Night.”

Dominic woke up in the passenger seat of a car. It was moving. He didn’t dare to move, every muscle in his body hurt and ached Liam’s beating had caused. Bit by bit the events of the last few hours came back to him. He got drunk, he nearly was raped and was beaten up. His life really sucked right now. Everything was out of control and Dominic was not sure if he could fix it again. It? First of all there was the relationship with Billy which was no more. And maybe never will be again. But he had to try. He had experienced now the same that he out Billy through. He wanted to look into those beautiful green eyes and tell Billy that he was sorry, that he had found himself again. But this was not true. He himself was the problem, he was the only thing that stood between him and Billy.

His eyelids closed and Dominic drifted away into an uneasy sleep. But he still felt it when Josh lifted him and carried him into his house. He felt Josh’s hard chest against his head. Then Josh lay him on a soft bed. Pillows. Blankets. But it was not his own. It smelled like Josh, his aftershave. Dry, manly. His shoes were taken off, then trousers and shirt.

Yes, rape me. Go on. I wanna feel again. Anything. I don’t care. Just do it. I know you want it, you want me. You need me. What are you waiting for?

But nothing happened. Instead Dom was covered with a blanket. He heard the click of a switch and darkness surrounded him. Why did he just think that? Josh would never rape him. What was wrong with him? Or did he…? Was it possible…? Dominic’s eyes flew open. Did he really have a crush on Josh? This would explain everything! The strange thoughts he had every time he met Josh, the furious outbursts which only had the duty to hide his true feelings, the details he noticed on Josh’s face or in his character.

“Why aren’t you asleep?”, a voice suddenly asked, which only could belong to Josh.

Dominic sat up and lightened the little lamp on the night drawer next to the bed. He saw Josh sitting on a chair which stood beside the door.

“Why are you here?”, Dom asked back.

“I’ve asked first.”, was the mean answer.

“I have a headache.”, Dominic finally said which was in some way the truth.

“I understand. And I am here to watch over you, since I’ve promised your mother.”

Dom nodded at that. Josh stood up, took the chair and sat down in the light, eyeing Dominic from a closer distance now. Dominic sat up.

“I think I love you.”

Dominic had no chance to stop his mouth from speaking. It burst out, in the same way it always did, in the most uncomfortable and inappropriate situations possible.

“Good. I like you, too.”

That was a rather strange answer to a love declaration. Dominic had expected something else.

“Like? No, not like. Love! I love you, Josh!” Dom’s voice rose a bit.

“Yes, I know that. And I am touched by that. I like you, too.” Josh paused and looked into the confused face of the young boy. “You don’t love me, Dom. It’s just your heart and mind playing tricks on you."

“How do you know that? I…But…You said things. You didn’t say it out loud but I felt that you wanted me. I felt your eyes observing me, burning me on the inside.”

“I don’t know what you thought, but I apologize if I made myself unclear sometimes. It wasn’t my intention to fool you. But I am sure that your feelings for Billy are stronger. I can see that in your eyes, when you talk about him, when you see him, whenever you are with him. You do not look at me the same way you look at him. These are two different feelings, Dom. And you have to understand that.”

Dominic didn’t know what to say against that. How did Josh can know him so well? Better that Dom knew himself?

“No,…Yes… I don’t know. Billy and me…It’s complicated. Billy won’t talk to me, not until I’ve become the one I used to be.” He looked away. “But I don’t want to become the old me again. I hate my older me.”

He rubbed over his face to hide his tears.

“Dominic, did you cry when your father died?”

Dom thought over it for a second or two. “No.”, he then whispered. “I did not. My mother cried though, a lot. She’s… changed.”

“Why didn’t you cry?”

Dominic saw no good reason in not telling Josh the truth. He was in a state of great pain and he would have told Josh even more if he could.

“My father picked me up from school. It was a surprise, he didn’t tell me. We got a History test back that day and I didn’t pass it very well. He was not angry. He was calm and quiet as he spoke to me, told me about responsibility and duties and my future life. He was worried. I didn’t see that. I was angry. I shouted at him that he should be quiet at last. He forbid me to go to a concert because of the grade. He said I should study more. He was right. I didn’t see that then.”

Dominic paused, his face coming into the light of little lamp now, so that Josh was able to see his uncontrollable tears that streamed down his cheeks.

“I screamed at him. I screamed: I hate you. I hate you.”

Dominic broke down, he could not reach for air, his sobs were loud and his grief filled the room. He felt Josh’s arms embracing him. His heart ached.

“The transporter…he could not see it…he had looked at me in that moment…it is my fault…”

“No, Dom, it was not your fault. You didn’t mean for this to happen. It’s alright. I know how you feel right now.”

Dom’s sobs quieted a bit.

“You will miss your father because you love him. I can’t promise you that this pain in your chest will ever go away. Yet there are always your memories. They will never die. He will live on in your heart, in you.”

Dominic’s eyes swirled around, not knowing where to look. He was thinking hard. Of what? Of everything. His father, his mother, Billy, Josh, his school, his life so far.

“I think you can go to Billy tomorrow and tell him that you have changed for the better. I am sure he will welcome you with open arms.”

For the first time Dominic listened closely into himself. He didn’t love Josh. His feelings had tricked him. He just had noticed a lot of similarities between his father and Josh which made him feel that way. They weren’t as different as Dom had thought at first.

“You’ll be a good father one day.”, he said and looked into Josh’s eyes.

“I hope so.”, Josh said and smiled.