Take My Hand

Take My Hand part 12
Author: Noelwing
e-mail: Noelwing@aol.com
Pairing: Legolas/Haldir
Genre: AU
Rating: R
Warnings: none for this chapter.
Disclaimer: Everything in the realm of middle-earth belong to Tolkien and are only being borrowed for this fic-any other characters are property of the author. /Words/ denotes thoughts.
Author’s notes: Wow, compared to times gone by I was able to get this chapter done pretty fast. I hope it won’t be too long before I can get the next chapter out but until then, please enjoy this one. I may have some trouble with school starting up again and me possibly entering the work force very soon; but fear not. Come hell or high water I will finish this story.

Healing and decisions


Thalion had looked everywhere for his little brother but Legolas, apparently, was no where to be found within the walls of the palace. The crown prince felt like kicking something, how bitter it was to have Legolas returned home only for the young prince to vanish. Thalion tried to stay calm but the stress of the last several weeks was still with him. He hated not knowing where is little brother was.

Two, silver haired elves suddenly appeared in his path. It was only with a closer look that Thalion realized that he was looking at Rumil and Orophin; Haldir’s younger brothers.

“Prince Thalion!” Rumil exclaimed as he and Orophin bowed their heads. Thalion instantly instructed the two guards to be at ease.

Orophin was the first to raise his head and he couldn’t help but to notice that the crown prince looked a bit disgruntled. “My lord, is anything amiss?”

“Yes, my brother Legolas, he has left his chambers and no one can find him.” Thalion couldn’t suppress the worry he felt and it showed in his words. He felt desperate for any aid to help him find his brother.

Oddly enough, Thalion learned from Rumil and Orophin that he was not the only one who was missing a brother. But unlike him, Rumil and Orophin did not appear to be the least bit worried over their brother’s whereabouts. In all honesty, Thalion envied their attitudes and wished he could stop worrying about his brother. But then again, Rumil and Orophin did not have a seeming worry ward for a father.

*********
Haldir remained sitting on the ground wondering why he couldn’t move. The situation had a familiar feel to it. If was just like the day Haldir had been returned to his cell after a day of fighting. He had returned to find Legolas in the cell next to his; the evidence of ravishment was all about him.

Then, Haldir had wanted so much to go to Legolas and to comfort him, but he couldn’t; there had been bars in between them. Haldir had the same feelings of powerlessness now as he did then. Only this time they felt worse, there were no bars between him and Legolas yet Haldir was hesitant to go to him.

/Go to him, please/

Haldir’s head snapped from left to right looking for the one who had just spoken but no one was there.

/He needs your help/ There it was again, the mysterious yet compelling voice. Haldir looked to the trees.

/Is that you, are you speaking to me/ As if an answer to his question, the leaves of the trees began to rustle without the wind.

/Yes, our beloved prince needs you/

/So that is what I felt earlier, you were trying to guide me here, weren’t you/

/Yes, the prince’s grief is great and we feel it. He needs you/

/But how can I help, I don’t know what to do/ Haldir pleaded to the trees.

/What more can we ask other than for you to be there for him now as you have so many times in the past/

Haldir inhaled deeply mustering his courage and feelings. Of all the times Legolas had needed him this would be the most crucial time. Gathering his own courage and feeling the support given to him by the very spirit of Mirkwood itself; Haldir stood up and approached Legolas.

The only sound that Legolas made anymore was a slight sniffle so Haldir knew that his tears had not ceased entirely. Yet Legolas remained as he was; on the ground with his upper body bent over and his legs folded underneath him. It looked as though he were trying to hide. Haldir knelt down and put his hands upon Legolas’ back.

At the feeling of contact, Legolas jumped immediately. “No, don’t touch me!” He cried. “I’m tainted.”

Haldir didn’t waiver and wrapped his arms around Legolas. “Legolas, why do you speak such harsh words against yourself? Why do you think what Nanook did to you is your fault?”

“Because I couldn’t fight back, I couldn’t stop Nanook from doing what he did to me and for that I am defiled.”

Haldir scooped Legolas into his arms but he immediately protested. Legolas thrust his fists into Haldir’s ribs, his arms and any other place within reach. Haldir could feel the meager blows that Legolas inflicted upon him but he was not deterred. Even when Legolas protested verbally, he did not yield.

While still keeping one arm around Legolas, Haldir used his free hand to grasp Legolas’ hand. Taking the hand of the other, it had been their code, their way to comfort each other and Haldir relied on the gesture once more to soothe Legolas.

“Legolas, I know you don’t want to hurt me. I am trying to help you so please don’t push me away.”

Legolas felt his slender hand become enveloped by the grip of Haldir’s much larger hand. Warm fingers became entwined with his cold, clammy ones and held tight. At the same time Legolas could feel the warmth of Haldir’s body and could hear his strong heart beat. It hurt, it hurt so much to be so close to Haldir, he wasn’t worthy, not anymore and he wanted to flee from this embrace.

“Haldir don’t, please don’t, you shouldn’t touch someone as filthy as I.”

“No Legolas, you are not filthy, you were innocent and you are still innocent now. It is not your fault what happened and you did nothing to invite it either.” Haldir seemed to cling tighter with every word. “Nanook did what he did in order to break you. If you let yourself believe that he defiled you then Nanook wins.”

Legolas released an agonized gasp and fell flush against Haldir’s chest. His head came to rest upon Haldir’s shoulder and he finally entwined his finger with Haldir’s. Legolas’ breathed in deep, audible breaths and every few seconds his body would tremble. Haldir leaned his head against Legolas’ and waited for him to come around.

“I tried to fight but there were just,” He choked back a sob, “there were just too many. They held me to the ground and Nanook…he was…the first to…to…”

Haldir listened intently. He shushed Legolas when sobs threatened to overtake him and caressed his back when tremors over took him. Haldir understood that Legolas needed to be able to talk about his violation, to get it out rather than to keep it bottled up within him.

“Take you time Legolas, just take your time.” Haldir whispered reassuringly. Time was what Legolas needed and Haldir was willing to stay with him for as long as it took.

Legolas squeezed Haldir’s hand and could feel the motion being returned. He drew his strength from that hand. “He was the first to take me. I wanted to fight but the others had me pinned…”

Legolas reasserted his embrace with Haldir as the worst memories of his violation caused his body to convulse. Recalling the sound of his clothes being torn off and the feeling of a heavy body crashing atop his own made him want to cry out loud. Haldir was not fazed and tightened his arm around Legolas reassuringly.

“Nanook was first…it hurt like a knife inside of me. I was screaming, I was crying but it didn’t end, Nanook let the others…they…they got on top of me one after the other…” Legolas finally let himself cry out all of his frustration and fear. Even then Haldir still did not let go of him. Legolas had nothing left within him and he fell limp against Haldir.

Legolas nuzzled his head against Haldir’s neck, he had told Haldir what had happened and the guardian had not pushed him away. Instead Legolas found himself being completely accepted into Haldir’s arms and a great wave of relief washed over him. Yet, Legolas found that he could not stop crying.

“I’m sorry Haldir.”

“Sorry for what Legolas?”

“I can’t seem to stop crying.”

Haldir hushed Legolas and patted his head. “No it’s alright. Go ahead and cry, cry as long as you want to.”

Legolas simply nodded and continued to let his tears fall onto Haldir’s shoulder. The two remained quiet together; there hands still entwined.

********

Any one not involved in the search for prince Legolas made it a point to not get in the way of their, clearly frustrated, king. Indeed, Thranduil’s steps carried not the usual authority but rather a worried anger. It was nearly afternoon and still no sign of Legolas had been found.

It was not uncommon for Legolas to drop out of sight from time to time but that was in the past. Thranduil couldn’t bear the thought of his youngest child being out of his sight especially after having gone through what he had. The same fears that Thranduil had when he first learned that his son was missing began to arise within him once again.

Thranduil finally came to one of the old and ancient oak tress that flourished within his realm. His family had a particular bond with this tree; they called it the mother tree. Her trunk was covered in moss and old bark while her branches flaunted green leaves and stretched towards the sky and every direction in between. Of all the trees in the Mirkwood, this one seemed to be the oldest and she was well loved by all.

Thranduil approached the ancient tree and placed his hand upon her bark. “Please ancient mother, will you tell me where my son is?”

The tree was silent, even when Thranduil repeated his question the mother tree gave no response.

“What is this silence? Never before have you withheld your voice from me.” He pressed his brow against the old bark very much in the way a sad child would to its parent.

/My lord king, be not afraid for your son/

Thranduil’s heart beat with relief when the old tree finally revealed her voice to him. But she still hadn’t answered his question.

“I cannot help it ancient mother. I have only just recovered my son. I can’t bear the thought of him being outside of my knowledge.”

/I assure you, your child is safe for my own children surround him. But you must wait for Legolas to return on his own/

“Will you not tell me where he is at least?” Thranduil pleaded. He trusted his son to be safe within the kingdom but Thranduil just wanted to know where he was. But the mother tree had gone silent once again. Thranduil would have no other choice but to trust that wherever his son was, he was safe.

********

Haldir paid more attention to Legolas resting in his arms than to the actual passage of time. But Legolas had gone from crying and twitching to calm breathing and complete silence. Legolas held so still that Haldir wondered if he had fallen asleep. But when Haldir checked, Legolas was indeed still awake.

“Legolas,” Haldir asked breaking the long silence. “How do you feel?”

Legolas took a deep breath and looked up at Haldir. Fatigue still weighed heavily on his face but his tears had stopped. “It is alright Haldir, I feel better now that…” He trailed off and turned his gaze away.

“Yes, you feel better now that what?” Haldir asked attentively

Legolas returned his gaze back to Haldir. “Now that I have actually talked about what happened to me I feel better, like I don’t have to carry it all by myself.”

Haldir was relieved to here that. It gave him hope that Legolas would conquer his experience and move on with his life. However, there was one thing that still lingered in Haldir’s mind.

“Legolas, your father couldn’t possibly have meant what he said. He can’t possibly think you are defiled and if he does then he is wrong.”

“Haldir, there is something you need to understand. I was a virgin, perhaps in Lorien virginity is not important but in Mirkwood it is.”

Legolas got up quietly and went to the edge of the pool. On the pool’s glassy surface he could see his face reflected within the water. He looked intensely at his reflection.

Haldir found that he was having difficulty processing what Legolas was telling him. Legolas, that is absurd.” Haldir marched himself over to where Legolas sat by the waters edge and stood over him. “Why should something as trivial as virginity be so important?”

“Because in our culture virginity is a mark of purity and it is only to be given to the one we receive in marriage. Now that I no longer have mine, even if it has been stolen from me, my father fears that I will be seen as less than before. That is why he says that I am defiled.”

Legolas continued to stare at his reflection as he spoke. A sudden wind rippled the water and Legolas’ reflection became distorted beyond recognition.

“Am I less than I was before?” Legolas looked up to see Haldir looking so intently down at him.

“If a petal were to fall from one of these lotuses, would that make the lotus any less than it was before?” Haldir said tenderly as he extended his hand to Legolas.

Legolas extended his hand to Haldir. In that moment, Legolas trusted in Haldir completely and let the march-warden pull him close.

Haldir was very gentle and Legolas did not feel the least bit threatened. Even when Haldir grasped the collar of the robe he was wearing and pushed it off Legolas remained calm. The cumbersome garment fell to the ground and pooled at the prince’s feet. Legolas’ face flushed as the air caressed his nude body but he made no move to recover the robe. He held perfectly still even as Haldir’s eyes examined his body.

“Legolas, you are still as beautiful now as you were on that morning when I saw you bathing beneath the waterfall. Nothing has changed. You have wounds upon your body but that makes no difference, they will heal.”

Legolas turned his face away but Haldir cupped his cheek and made Legolas reassert his gaze. “Listen to me, what Nanook and the others did to you was intended to break your spirit; to instill fear and hopelessness within you. The decision is yours, you can conquer the feelings and fears that plague your heart and learn to thrive once more. Or you can believe yourself to be less and forever remain a victim.”

Legolas swallowed hard at that last statement. He did not want Nanook to have the last word but yet even in death, Legolas still suffered from the man’s devices. But yet, Legolas was the only one who could change that fate; he wanted to change that fate.

“No, I don’t want him to win over me, not if I can stop it.” He wrapped his arms around Haldir and pressed his head upon Haldir’s shoulder. “I want to survive and I want to be strong again.”

Haldir’s heart leapt with hope. If Legolas was to survive he must first be able to empower himself, to be able to grow into a survivor and not remain always as a victim.

“Yes Legolas, but you are the only one who can make that happen.” Haldir stroked Legolas’ blonde hair. “Just believe that you have much to offer the world. You have your heart, your courage and above all your good intentions. All are worth so much, please, don’t ever doubt that.”

Haldir’s words reawakened a sense of optimism in Legolas. It was almost as if the guardian’s words were washing away the feelings of disgust and shame that Legolas had been feeling so recently. Old longings began to surface with the flare of renewed hope.

“Haldir, I love you. I do, I really do.” Legolas’ voice was soft and light now that he had dropped the burden of shame.

“I know,” Haldir sighed and continued to hold Legolas in his arms. The two elves held to each other and let their embrace speak for them. The only witnesses to their first steps towards healing were the lotus blossoms in radiant bloom.

********

Elgalad looked once and then looked again but his eyes were not deceiving him. Returning from the Valar only knew where, was Legolas but he was not alone. With him was the Lorien march-warden, Haldir. And, by the looks of things, the two appeared to be quite cozy.

Elgalad had know for a long time the his little brother fancied Haldir but he had never really given any thought as to how serious Legolas may have been about the Lorien elf. Now he saw the two of them walking hand in hand together; indeed things could be very serious.

But such things were going to have to wait for Elgalad knew that he must tell his parents that Legolas had returned home.

********

Haldir felt a bit awkward following Legolas all the way into his private chambers. The other members of the royal family were not present, at the moment anyway, but Haldir felt nervous being in the prince’s chambers.

One possible reason might be that the room was actually a furnished cave, an enclosed space. Haldir had always hated caves and such places and with everything he had endured in the mining caverns it was a wonder he hadn’t fallen into one of his fits yet. No, it was not the walls or being underground that was really bothering Haldir. What he really worried about was the fact that at any minute, any member of the royal family could come strolling in. Then there would be trouble for him.

Legolas couldn’t help but to notice Haldir’s fidgeting. The obvious display of discomfort made Haldir seem vulnerable and even attractive Legolas. Legolas threw some logs into the fire place; a warm fire would do them both some good.

“I think the humans will be alright once they have returned to their places of origin.” Haldir said suddenly breaking the silence. But Legolas didn’t comment, he only responded positively and thus Haldir continued.

Haldir sat next to Legolas in front of the fire place and divulged everything he knew about the former human prisoners. When Haldir spoke of Turin and all he had done to help Haldir Legolas prayed that he would be able to thank the man before he left. Legolas also hoped to see Gimli and Namel before they too departed.

But the conversation inevitably came to the fate of the Easterlings and ultimately, Brodda. Most of the Easterlings had either run away or had been slain but Brodda’s fate was unknown. Legolas could here the contempt in Haldir’s voice when he spoke the man’s name. It was clear that Haldir was very set in his opinion of the man.

Legolas knew that he should hate the man as well, especially after all Brodda had done to him and intended to do to him. But instead of hate, Legolas found that he actually pitied Brodda. In the end, Brodda was just as much a prisoner of those caves as anyone of the slaves that worked them. All he really wanted was a way out yet Nanook was an obstacle he just couldn’t conquer.

Brodda didn’t have the best intentions but Legolas just couldn’t bring himself to hate the man. Brodda had taken care of him and showed great kindness in doing so. Legolas knew that no person could exude care or kindness if it wasn’t already in them. A truly cruel person would think only of their self yet that was not true of Brodda or Sari or Rune. Sari had died protecting Legolas and Rune was fiercely loyal.

Legolas believed that not any one of them were truly evil at heart. He prayed that whatever their end might have been or will be that fate would be kind. That is how Legolas felt but he would never tell Haldir.

“Why do you love me?”

Haldir’s question caught Legolas completely off guard and he nearly fell over from astonishment. He stared dumbfounded at the march-warden.

“Brodda told me that you were willing to trade your life for mine. It made me realize that your feelings for me went deeper than I had even realized.”

“It’s true, I knew there was little hope but I had to try something. I was willing to do anything if it meant that the life of my beloved would be spared.”

Haldir’s heart missed a beat at hearing those words. Legolas called him beloved yet Haldir was still baffled by the prince’s heart.

“But why, you can have anyone you want yet you have chosen me, why?”

“Why not?” Legolas looked at Haldir with those crystal blue eyes of his. Even though those eyes were now tinged with a heavy burden the intensity of Legolas’ feelings burned within them.

“You are so noble and strong, I knew that from the moment I first saw you.” Legolas reached out and placed his hands upon Haldir’s shoulders. “I remember the day when I went to Lorien for the first time. You were there to lead me and my kin to the golden city. I could tell how proud you were to be a guardian of that realm.

“You had my respect right away. I watched you in the competitions, caught glimpses of you while on duty and was even able to spy you tending to casual tasks. But no matter what you did you put your whole being into it. Once you had a goal you were determined to achieve it and one day I fancied that I was your goal and my heart leapt like it never had before. That’s when I knew my respect for you had grown into love.”

“Even though I have killed someone?” Haldir could feel tears too long held back begin to pool in his eyes. “When I faced Nanook for what was to be the last time he bragged about what he had done to you. My rage took over completely and all I could see was you suffering.” Haldir became overwhelmed by his emotions and pitched forward. Legolas was quick to cradle the stricken elf in a supportive embrace.

“I prided myself on being a warrior but there was no honor in what I did. When I killed Nanook I became a murderer. I have blood on my hands I’m…I’m not what I was before…not the elf you fell in love with.”

Legolas held Haldir to him as though he clung to life itself. “Then we are the same. We have both had our innocence stolen from us and now we must find a way to rebuild our lives.”

Haldir moved out of Legolas’ arms and took a moment to just look at him. No longer did Haldir see the brat that he had so easily labeled Legolas but rather a person. He was a person who possessed many admirable qualities and was a well of deep feeling and emotion. It was the way Legolas had always been, it was just that Haldir had never seen it or perhaps, Haldir had never allowed himself to see it. But what he did see now was a person who had become very important to him.

Legolas felt like he was reliving a moment in times past. Haldir extended his hand and, gently, caressed Legolas’ face. Instantly, Legolas body went rigid; his instincts were telling him to pull away from the touch. Haldir was not surprised, only saddened because up until recently, any touch bestowed upon Legolas was intended to cause pain, and did.

Haldir had not forgotten, in the past he had also caused emotional harm to Legolas with his touch; worse still was that he had intended to. But not this time, the touch be bestowed upon Legolas now was intended to heal him.

“Don’t pull away from me,” Haldir said with great tenderness. “Please, trust me now as you did then.” Legolas nodded his head and allowed Haldir to continue.

It was like that time in the woods yet different. The hand that gently explored Legolas’ face was not intended to cause hurt rather, to heal the hurt that had already been done. There was care and compassion in this touch and once more, Legolas dared to believe that there might be love as well.

Legolas let himself be lost in the long wanted feelings that Haldir’s touch rendered him. His eyes floated shut and his face leaned in further and further; what he didn’t realize was the Haldir, in turn, leaned in closer to him. The two leaned into together until only a breath filled the distance between their lips.

The serenity in the room was rudely broken when the cold, hard sound of the wooden door pushed open with such force that the sound permeated every corner of the room. Both Legolas and Haldir froze as they gazed at Thranduil who stood in the door way. The king’s eyes glared at Haldir; a cold, hard angry glare.

Next Chapter: Live for now

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