The Corruption and Degredation of Mary Sue
folder
-Multi-Age › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
42
Views:
1,617
Reviews:
46
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
-Multi-Age › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
42
Views:
1,617
Reviews:
46
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own the Lord of the Rings (and associated) book series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Operation Subdue the Wench
Chapter 11: Operation Subdue the Wench
Haldir followed the trail of sobs back towards his own room and found Celebelen sniffling in front of her door. He took a deep breath, smoothed back his hair and forced a charming smile onto his face.
“I’m sorry I yelled at you earlier,” said Haldir, unconsciously shuddering. He loathed having to apologise, even if it was in aid of ulterior motives.
“That’s okay,” sniffled Celebelen, before starting to bawl again. Haldir recoiled as a trickle of snot escaped her nose as she turned to face him. She then threw herself at him, clinging and sobbing into his shoulder. Haldir flailed his arms, uncertain what to do with them but aware that right now shoving her away and smacking her for getting human snot on his favourite shirt would be a poor course of action. Eventually he coerced his arms into wrapping themselves around her and even managed to conjure up some soothing noises.
“Come on, let’s get you cleaned up,” sighed Haldir, guiding Celebelen into her bedroom.
“I’ve just had such a horrible day… I thought Legolas loved me! But he doesn’t! And I’m SOOOO far away from my family and friends and Kalina tried to kill me!” wept Celebelen as Haldir guided her to the soft armchair in her room. He pulled out a handkerchief and handed it to her.
“Oh, Kalina’s tried to kill me dozens of time. You shouldn’t take it personally,” said Haldir, amazed at the how well he was carrying off this lying business. Oh what he wouldn’t give for an ice-pick right now to skewer through Kalina’s head.
“She stole my prince!!” Celebelen blinked tearfully at Haldir who managed to change his grimace into a grin at the state of her hair sticking to her wet face and smeared makeup.
“If you must know, Legolas is a bastard. So far the only female he hasn’t taken advantage of is Kalina, but that’s because she’s a sadistic bitch, which is the only thing that misguided gimp respects in a female,” said Haldir soothingly. “And now that you know, you can get on exploring this world and who knows? You may strike it lucky with another attractive elf lord,” said Haldir cheerfully. He felt a vague twinge in his gut as his conscience attempted to rear its ugly head but he ignored it.
“But I want to fit in with you! I’ve always wanted to live with elves!”
“Uhm… yeah… well, you can I suppose but I doubt you’ll really be accepted if you want the brutal truth,” said Haldir.
“But what about Aragorn and Arwen? They’ve found true love,” sighed Celebelen enviously.
“Aragorn’s special. And even then Elrond still mutters indignantly about the entire affair,” said Haldir. He fingered the vial of crack in his pocket, but knew he couldn’t exactly siwn awn and force her to smoke it at dagger-point. “Would you care for a drink and something to eat?” he offered. Celebelen nodded faintly. She had missed dinner, what with lounging in her bedroom in the hope of Legolas’s arrival. “Well, tell you what. I’ll go find something in the kitchen and bring it here.”
Thank you. You’re so nice,” said Celebelen, smiling shyly. Haldir beamed smugly at herhe lhe left the room and ran back to Kalina’s. He knocked on the door, but failed to receive a reply. So he kicked the door. This time he heard some swearing as someone moved around inside. The door opened a crack and Legolas peered out, looking wrathful.
“Now is NOT good!” he hissed.
“Listen. Do you have any more of that stuff you drugged that bitch with?” said Haldir, ignoring the elf’s words.
“No, I don’t and if I don’t get back to pleasuring my mistress in under thirty seconds she has some sort of enema thing she’ll coerce me into. Find the bloody ranger. He’ll have something.” With that Legolas slammed the door and locked it twice for emphasis more than protection.
“I really didn’t want to know that,” said Haldir turning away. It was after ten which probably meant that he was skulking somewhere with Arwen. Loathe as he was to admit it, Aragorn really enjoyed spouting drivel about the stars at his beloved. But then Arwen was very traditional about courtship. He headed out into the gardens and saw two silhouettes highlighted by the rising moon. He hurried over.
“Evening Arwen. Need to steal your man, back in a bit,” said Haldir, grabbing Aragorn as he leaned in to kiss Arwen.
“Haldir!!” snapped Aragorn, trying to get out of his grips.
“DO YOU MIND? We were sharing an intimate moment!” hissed Arwen. It had not been her day. She had finally got the swelling to go down from Kalina’s pepper spray, then Aragorn had been late for their tryst, and now he was being stolen by Haldir.
“This will take one minute and he’s yours!”
“What?” demanded Aragorn irritably, narrowing his eyes.
“Herbs! Give them to me! Something that I can stick in food or drink that will knock out the human so I can convince her to smoke!” said Haldir.
“Ahh… here,” said Aragorn, reaching into a pouch on his belt and pulling out a small dried root. “This stuff grows in the lands around Bree. Grate some of it onto food and mix it in. It doesn’t have much flavour and will sedate her. It’s different from the shit Legolas used. Now go!”
“Hah. You’ll sing my praises once I carry out my cunning plan!” snorted Haldir.
“It was Kalina’s plan and you got stuck with it because you were desperate to see her naked,” said Aragorn, turning and heading back to Arwen who was glaring at the two from a distance, arms crossed militantly across her chest.
“Are you done now?” she snapped.
“Yes dear,” said Aragorn meekly.
“Good,” said Arwen, still looking irritable.
“You’re not making this easy,” muttered Aragorn, feeling guilty about spoiling their pleasant time together.
“Well what do you expect? I’ve had a day Sauron farted straight out of his arse!” grumbled Arwen. Aragorn was legitimately taken aback by her profanity.
“Let’s just head somewhere more private, shall we?” he offered. Arwen giggled like a schoolgirl, her bad mood dissipating somewhat. Relieved he was off the hook for now, Aragorn escorted her further into Rivendell’s gardens.
Haldir followed the trail of sobs back towards his own room and found Celebelen sniffling in front of her door. He took a deep breath, smoothed back his hair and forced a charming smile onto his face.
“I’m sorry I yelled at you earlier,” said Haldir, unconsciously shuddering. He loathed having to apologise, even if it was in aid of ulterior motives.
“That’s okay,” sniffled Celebelen, before starting to bawl again. Haldir recoiled as a trickle of snot escaped her nose as she turned to face him. She then threw herself at him, clinging and sobbing into his shoulder. Haldir flailed his arms, uncertain what to do with them but aware that right now shoving her away and smacking her for getting human snot on his favourite shirt would be a poor course of action. Eventually he coerced his arms into wrapping themselves around her and even managed to conjure up some soothing noises.
“Come on, let’s get you cleaned up,” sighed Haldir, guiding Celebelen into her bedroom.
“I’ve just had such a horrible day… I thought Legolas loved me! But he doesn’t! And I’m SOOOO far away from my family and friends and Kalina tried to kill me!” wept Celebelen as Haldir guided her to the soft armchair in her room. He pulled out a handkerchief and handed it to her.
“Oh, Kalina’s tried to kill me dozens of time. You shouldn’t take it personally,” said Haldir, amazed at the how well he was carrying off this lying business. Oh what he wouldn’t give for an ice-pick right now to skewer through Kalina’s head.
“She stole my prince!!” Celebelen blinked tearfully at Haldir who managed to change his grimace into a grin at the state of her hair sticking to her wet face and smeared makeup.
“If you must know, Legolas is a bastard. So far the only female he hasn’t taken advantage of is Kalina, but that’s because she’s a sadistic bitch, which is the only thing that misguided gimp respects in a female,” said Haldir soothingly. “And now that you know, you can get on exploring this world and who knows? You may strike it lucky with another attractive elf lord,” said Haldir cheerfully. He felt a vague twinge in his gut as his conscience attempted to rear its ugly head but he ignored it.
“But I want to fit in with you! I’ve always wanted to live with elves!”
“Uhm… yeah… well, you can I suppose but I doubt you’ll really be accepted if you want the brutal truth,” said Haldir.
“But what about Aragorn and Arwen? They’ve found true love,” sighed Celebelen enviously.
“Aragorn’s special. And even then Elrond still mutters indignantly about the entire affair,” said Haldir. He fingered the vial of crack in his pocket, but knew he couldn’t exactly siwn awn and force her to smoke it at dagger-point. “Would you care for a drink and something to eat?” he offered. Celebelen nodded faintly. She had missed dinner, what with lounging in her bedroom in the hope of Legolas’s arrival. “Well, tell you what. I’ll go find something in the kitchen and bring it here.”
Thank you. You’re so nice,” said Celebelen, smiling shyly. Haldir beamed smugly at herhe lhe left the room and ran back to Kalina’s. He knocked on the door, but failed to receive a reply. So he kicked the door. This time he heard some swearing as someone moved around inside. The door opened a crack and Legolas peered out, looking wrathful.
“Now is NOT good!” he hissed.
“Listen. Do you have any more of that stuff you drugged that bitch with?” said Haldir, ignoring the elf’s words.
“No, I don’t and if I don’t get back to pleasuring my mistress in under thirty seconds she has some sort of enema thing she’ll coerce me into. Find the bloody ranger. He’ll have something.” With that Legolas slammed the door and locked it twice for emphasis more than protection.
“I really didn’t want to know that,” said Haldir turning away. It was after ten which probably meant that he was skulking somewhere with Arwen. Loathe as he was to admit it, Aragorn really enjoyed spouting drivel about the stars at his beloved. But then Arwen was very traditional about courtship. He headed out into the gardens and saw two silhouettes highlighted by the rising moon. He hurried over.
“Evening Arwen. Need to steal your man, back in a bit,” said Haldir, grabbing Aragorn as he leaned in to kiss Arwen.
“Haldir!!” snapped Aragorn, trying to get out of his grips.
“DO YOU MIND? We were sharing an intimate moment!” hissed Arwen. It had not been her day. She had finally got the swelling to go down from Kalina’s pepper spray, then Aragorn had been late for their tryst, and now he was being stolen by Haldir.
“This will take one minute and he’s yours!”
“What?” demanded Aragorn irritably, narrowing his eyes.
“Herbs! Give them to me! Something that I can stick in food or drink that will knock out the human so I can convince her to smoke!” said Haldir.
“Ahh… here,” said Aragorn, reaching into a pouch on his belt and pulling out a small dried root. “This stuff grows in the lands around Bree. Grate some of it onto food and mix it in. It doesn’t have much flavour and will sedate her. It’s different from the shit Legolas used. Now go!”
“Hah. You’ll sing my praises once I carry out my cunning plan!” snorted Haldir.
“It was Kalina’s plan and you got stuck with it because you were desperate to see her naked,” said Aragorn, turning and heading back to Arwen who was glaring at the two from a distance, arms crossed militantly across her chest.
“Are you done now?” she snapped.
“Yes dear,” said Aragorn meekly.
“Good,” said Arwen, still looking irritable.
“You’re not making this easy,” muttered Aragorn, feeling guilty about spoiling their pleasant time together.
“Well what do you expect? I’ve had a day Sauron farted straight out of his arse!” grumbled Arwen. Aragorn was legitimately taken aback by her profanity.
“Let’s just head somewhere more private, shall we?” he offered. Arwen giggled like a schoolgirl, her bad mood dissipating somewhat. Relieved he was off the hook for now, Aragorn escorted her further into Rivendell’s gardens.