The Jewel of Mirkwood

Chapter 108

Thranduil sat staring at the babe in his arms remembering a time when he had done the same with his sons. Elrohir had made the glass bottle of milk the king now carefully fed to the elfling in his arms. Although she was but mere hours old her vivid blue eyes were wide and glowing as she took in her surroundings and the man holding her so tenderly. Despite his lack of attention Thranduil was still half-heartedly following the conversation that was passing between the elves around him. Celeborn and Elrond were bent over maps and field reports on the desk while Elladan, Erestor and Hale were heatedly discussing Gwendolyn’s last remains ceremony. Elrond’s youngest Elrohir was fussing with Filgree over Legolas and Glorfindel still both eager to go and see how the prince was. All of the commotion in the room didn’t seem to phase the babe’s meal and Thranduil sighed heavily as he brushed a soft piece of golden down from the babe’s forehead.

Thranduil had prayed for son’s all his life, the security of the throne so entrenched within his soul. Often he had been blind to see reason above all else, his desirr mar male heirs shadowing the miracle of a healthy child no matter what the sex. Staring into the eyes of Taselion however made him slowly realise the error of his ways and of his thinking these last thousand years. The babe in his arms was lucky to be alive, her mother and twin brother lost to Mandos, in exchange for her own life. Realizing his mistakes hurt no more so than when he looked into Legolas’ eyes. His youngest had tried everything to gain his attention over the years but Thranduil had seen naught but his own guilt whenever he’d looked at Legolas. His guilt and his fear had driven Legolas away and now Thranduil was being forced to watch from the outside as Legolas worked through his life. Unbeknownst to most Thranduil had cried alone the night he had heard of Talion’s death and having lost his second son the king was now determined to focus his attention on the two that remained.

So lost was Thranduil in Taselion’s excited eyes that he hardly noticed the elf that sat down quietly in front of him. It was only as Haldir cleared his throat that Thranduil glanced up coldly from where Taselion was now squirming irritably in his grandsire’s arms.

”What do you want?” Thranduil snapped coldly at Haldir as he reluctantly handed Taselion over to Filgree who whisked her away to put to bed. Haldir was fidgeting, his gaze not meeting Thranduil’s. The marchwarden’s uncharacteristic awkwardness made the king smile secretly to himself. It seemed only a few years ago that Thranduil had first laid eyes on the pretty youthful warden before him. Back then Haldir had been headstrong and arrogant, proud of himself and of his position, he’d had no troubles in meeting Thranduil’s gaze back then.

“I want to talk about us.” Haldir’s voice was barely above a whisper the conversation in the room having fallen into hushed tones as all listened in to the conversation passing between the two hostile elves.

“Well I don’t want to talk, I have my daughter in laws passing to arrange and my son to console, so if you’ll excuse me.” Thranduil looked away arrogantly from Haldir as he stood from the chair and wandered haughtily towards the door leaving Haldir for the first time in his life looking weary and defeated.

“I loved you once Thranduil….” Haldir’s voice trailed off as he clearly tried to hold back his emotions from everyone who was now staring at him in shock. Thranduil was stopped in his tracks at Haldir’s voice but he did not turn around. There was a moment of heavy thick silence but then Elrond cleared his throat deliberately.

“I think I shall go and see how Legolas is, Celeborn Erestor, won’t you join me?” Elrond’s not too subtle escape plan was so transparent and Haldir bowed his head in guilt as Celeborn and Erestor mumbled their quick agreement and went to follow the elvan lord from the room. “Elrohir, Elladan why don’t you go and make sure Filgree is fine.” Elrond paused in the entrance to the study and gestured pensively to his sons who both jogged quickly from the room. Haldir did not miss the cautious glance that Elrond threw his way before the elvan lord disappeared letting the tapestry fall silently closed behind him. Thranduil was still facing the fireplace, his breathing was steady but the tight grip on the arm of the chair told of different emotions other than calm. There was a thick silence that fell around the room and Haldir sighed heavily as he began to think Thranduil was never going to reply.

“You loved me?” Thranduil’s voice was calm and Haldir could not decipher what the King was thinking by his tone.

“Aye I loved you, do you think I would have carried Legolas had I not?” Haldir twisted awkwardly in his seat before he too rose and moved over to the window, to stare blankly out at the sun bathed garden. After another moment of Thranduil’s infuriating silence Haldir let his emotions flow freely. “I am so angry with you Thranduil. I trusted his life to you, you should have treated him better. He is our son. A child born of our love yet you treated him like he was nothing, a bastard child sired by whores.” Haldir crudely wiped a stray tear from his cheek embarrassed now at having spoken so freely about what he was feeling. Ever since he’d learnt of Thranduil’s treatment of Legolas and seen for himself in Lorien the truth of the matter Haldir had been bottling up his emotions, restraining himself against an outburst because of his own guilt at abandoning Legolas. Now however without the presence of others and still fired up from Legolas’ narrow escape with Candolin Haldir could not longer contain himself. Spinning around Haldir lashed out at Thranduil’s back thrashing his arms blindly as he hit the king over and over again with his clenched fists as he screamed in anger and frustration.
“You should have brought him to see me, written to me or sent me a message about what he was doing, how he was growing up. I waited for years at the border, wished with every messenger that arrived that you’d sent me something, anything. I never slept at night with the guilt ate at me from the inside. I endured my brother’s taunts and remarks about how foolish I was to love you, then when the alliances broke down what little hope I’d held onto was gone. I hated you then. I hated you for taking him away from me, hated you for killing my men for continuing a feud that wasn’t ours to fight. You took this feud out on him didn’t you! You weren’t scared that he’d not find his destiny; you were just punishing him for our relationship, an illicit, dirty relationship with a Lorien elf that your father wouldn’t have approved of.” Haldir’s fists had loosened considerably as Thranduil finally caught the other elf’s hands and held them apart preven the the march warden from hitting him any further. Thranduil could only stare as Haldir sobbed and panted breathlessly tears streaming down his face. Never in his life had Thranduil ever dreamed he would see the proud arrogant Lorien guard captain so helpless and vulnerable. Even in childbirth and his closeness of death Haldir had remained strong and proud but this display was totally shocking and Thranduil did not know what to do. With a choked sob Haldir fell limp in Thranduil’s arms and the king barely had enough energy to catch the blonde before he fell to the ground.

”What is going on in here?” Thranduil had only just managed to get Haldir into his arms when the tapestry to the study blew open and Elrond stepped pensively into the room, his concerned gaze glancing around the room for signs of what had happened. Without thinking Thranduil turned and shouted at Elrond to get out. Concerned at seeing Haldir’s body lying limply in Thranduil arms Elrond was reluctant to leave but when a vase from the mantle came haphazardly flying is dis direction the Lord of Imladris obediently stepped out of the room.

Once alone again Thranduil stared down at the elf in his arms. Haldir’s face was flushed pink at his exertion and anger while his body shivered with cold. Not really knowing what to do Thranduil hooked his arm awkwardly around the edge of thenge nge next to the fire and dragged it closer to the fireplace. With a caring hand Thranduil slowly lowered Haldir’s limp body into the lounge and loosened a few of the ties on the march warden’s shirt, beneath his robes making breathing a little easier. With a cushion under Haldir’s head for support Thranduil quickly fetched a few blankets from the other chairs around the room before draping them across the still shivering form of his old lover. For a long time Thranduil knelt beside Haldir on the lounge staring thoughtfully into the green vacant eyes while he idly passed his fingers through Haldir’s stray locks.

Outside the sun was beginning to fade by the time Haldir’s eyes finally flickered back to tired awareness. Thranduil had not moved an inch all afternoon merely staring at the elf laid out vulnerably before him. Haldir’s aware gaze however seemed to break the calmness that had washed over the study in the last few hours and Thranduil cleared his throat nervously and looked gingerly away for the first time that afternoon from Haldir.

“Have some wine, it will make you feel better.” Quickly Thranduil poured a small goblet of warm fey wine from the bottle by the fire. Seeing Haldir struggling to sit up in the lounge without thought Thranduil offered his arm. The moment’s hesitation from Haldir at accepting the help was clearly evident and Thranduil felt a small painful tug at his heart until finally Haldir accepted the grip of the Kings strong hand and slowly righted himself in the chair. The awkward silence between them lasted as long as it took Haldir to spill some of the wine down himself as he attempted to drink unaided. “Here let me help.” Haldir flinched a little as Thranduil took the goblet of wine from his grasp and gently rested a hand under the march warden’s chin before tilting the goblet towards Haldir’s soft lips. Eagerly Haldir sipped the wine his throat parched and his lips dry with thirst. “Not too much or I will be explaining to Elrond why you are intoxicated also.” Thranduil smiled bitterly at his truthful joke but when the smile wasn’t reflected in Haldir’s expression Thranduil sighed heavily and lowered his gaze guiltily to the floor. The king had had all afternoon to think about what he was going to say when this moment came and while at first he had felt nothing but anger at Haldir’s accusations, having spent nearly all day staring at his once lover the anger had given way to the stark reality of truth. While Thranduil had not realised it until now, all that Haldir had accused him of was true although there was one think that the march warden had got desperately wrong.
“When she left me to go to the west, I wasn’t sad that she’d gone.” Thranduil’s voice was barely above a whisper as he slowly raised his gaze up to meet Haldir’s. Haldir knew exactly whom Thranduil was talking about and so remained silent; intrigued to know where Thranduil was taking this conversation, it being the obvious reply to his outburst earlier. “I never loved her like I was supposed to. Ada adored her, she spent more time with him in the first few seasons we were married than I ever spent with him.” Thranduil paused his gaze turning a little distant as he remembered the past. Haldir could only gaze into the king’s eyes and listen to the tale being retold before him. It was a long told story of Thranduil’s useless marriage but hearing it from the King himself made it all seem a little more heart breaking than the joke that most people told it as. “I detested, seeing and touching her but to please my father I agreed to the stupid union. We only ever made love a few times, enough to secure h and and even then it was devoid of emotion. When she’d request my presence in her bedroom, I’d go to the stales before and have one of the stewards pleasure me to hardness, enough for me to get to her room, do what I had to and then leave.” Haldir could hardly believe what he was hearing, having never truly heard how miserable Thranduil’s marriage had been.

“Surely you felt some love for her?” Haldir forgot himself for a moment and managed to speak his question softly. Thranduil was a little shocked at hearing the con and and sadness in Haldir’s tone but merely shook his head, determined to continue what he had started.

“Aye I loved her for giving me two healthy sons but I held no other affection for her. I tried hard to find love in me, knowing that Ada loved her so much, and it would have pleased him. Perhaps I may have succeeded in finding that affection within myself but then you came along.” Thranduil swallowed hard and involuntarily laid his head down on the edge of the cushioned lounge. Seeing the King struggling so much with his words Haldir compassionately began soothing his hand over Thranduil’s silky mane, just as he had done the morning after their first night together, as they lay basking in the after glow. “I did not know love until I had met you. My heart sang at seeing you smile as you rode into the gates of the palace with your brothers and Celeborn. I would have given up everything to have just been left alone to court you as I would have liked but it was not so.” Haldir sighed softly as Thranduil nuzzled into his hand that continued to sooth its way through the silken locks of the King. “I loved you Haldir, and not a day has gone by since our first that I have not thought about you.” Thranduil’s revelation came as a shock to Haldir who momentarily paused in his soothing caress to stare blankly down at the king knelt before him.

“I…..didn’t……” Before Haldir could form a coherent sentence Thranduil interrupted him to continue his story.

“When you left I hated myself for letting you go, even though it was my duty. In the end I became so enraged that you’d gone that I blamed her. If she hadn’t been my wife you would have been able to stay with me.” Thranduil paused again this time bringing his own hand up to rest over Haldir’s on the march warden’s blanket covered knee. “The alliances were already faltering when the plagues of orcs began attacking our borders. Ada had me out on patrol nearly every night and in the darkness I had little else to think about but you. That was about when Celeborn wrote me that letter.” Haldir swallowed hard knowing very well what letter Thranduil spoke of. “I must have read it a hundred times over not knowing what to do or who to turn to You carried my child and there was no possible way I could have you by my side to witness such a miracle.” Thranduil closed his eyes and tucked his head in against Haldir’s thigh his shoulders slumped as he began to quietly sob. “Forgive me Haldir, I never meant to hurt you. I so desperately wanted you to be close to me and the only way I knew how to fix my mess was to hide you, and demand that you return to Mirkwood in secrecy to give birth.” Thranduil stuttered as Haldir shuffled further down into the lounge so that he could wrap his arms comfortingly about the King.

“Shhhh, we could not have foreseen what would happen.” Haldir tried to calm Thranduil down a little but the blonde elf continued to shake his head in despair, tears glistening on his cheeks.

“Nay I should have treated you better but I was scared of my father. The alliance was fragile and strained with the orcs it would have been disastrous to tell him of you. Instead I let you suffer before taking our son away from you and passing him off as my wife’s. You were still in labour when I told my wife what I had done. I’d had enough of pretending to be happy and in love with her and so I just told her about you, about what we done together and what I was planning. I’m ashamed of it but I took pleasure in seeing her suffering just as I was suffering knowing I could never have you. I watched her leave with her maidens that night, took delight in seeing her scamper away, my freedom growing with every league she rode further from Mirkwood.” Thranduil shuddered as he sighed Haldir’s hands comforting him enough for him to continue. “Legolas was beautiful Haldir. I held him the entire night he was born wishing that you would be able to stay and share your life with him and me but knowing it could never happen.” Haldir forced back his own tears as Thranduil gently pressed a kiss against his hand, the salty tears mingling on the march warden’s warm skin. “You know the rest as it is. In the years leading up to the last alliance I wrote you hundreds of letters all of them telling of Legolas’ growing up and begging you to return to me and become my lover once more but I never gained the courage to send any of them. Then with the war and my fathers passing I became torn with guilt. Guilt over failing my father and guilt over losing you. Every time I looked at Legolas I saw you reflected in his eyes and I did not know what else to do but push him away.” At that moment everything that Thranduil had said all evening began to fall into place and Haldir finally realised what had happened over so many years. “Forgive me my love for all my mistakes. I love Legolas, just as I still love you. I never meant for it to happen this way.” Thranduil trailed off as Haldir embraced him tightly both of them crying emotionally.

“I still love you to.” Sniffling back a few of his tears Haldir whispered softly into Thranduil’s delicately pointed ear, the words he’d been holding in his heart for millennia. At hearing the words Thranduil slowly titled his head up to smile weakly up at his only true love. The world seemed to slow as Haldir lowered his head to softly press his tear glistening lips to Thranduil’s slightly parted ones. The kiss was chaste just as the first had been so many millennia ago both elves gazing into the others eyes as they savoured the moment. The kiss was brief but the emotion that was exchanged between them during it made up for the lack of passion, as both drew back from one another in silence.

“We are a pair aren’t we? Sitting here blubbering over memories we can not change.” Thranduil chuckled nervously at the silent tension that had been created between them with the kiss, not really knowing what it meant. Haldir smiled in return as Thranduil used the sleave of his robe to dry Haldir’s tears before wiping his own with the back of his hand.

“Aye we are, I do not dare think what Legolas would say should he could see us now.” Haldir winced a little as he attempted to sit up again from the lounge. Instantly Thranduil was on his feet fighting the ache in his legs to help Haldir carefully upright. For a moment Thranduil held Haldir securely as the march warden rocked a little unsteadily on his feet before gaining his balance. Haldir could hardly believe how easily conversation became between them both after their talk and rejoiced in having felt himself genuinely happy for the first time in years. “I am a little hungry.” Haldir whispered as his stomach growled mercilessly, making both he and Thranduil laugh easily as they had done back when they’d first met.

“Yes I am hungry too but I think we have most likely missed the evening meal.” At Thranduil’s words Haldir glanced out of the study window to realize quickly how late it was. Where the sun had been previously the moon now shone, the stars bathing the garden in an earthly glow.

“My word it is late do you think the cook will give us a little lembas and soup if we ask?” Haldir turned hopefully back towards Thranduil who was leaning casually against the back of the lounge smiling admiringly at Haldir, who looked thoroughly drained and tired.

“I am sure we can convince her to make us a little something...” Thranduil paused and Haldir watched as the king twisted his fingers nervously in front of him. “…And then perhaps we can retire to my chambers?” Haldir could not hide the smile that broke out onto his face as Thranduil looked up at Haldir coyly, from beneath his eyelashes. Steadying himself on the furniture as he went Haldir stepped slowly up to stand in front of where Thranduil was leaning.

“How are you going to explain my presence in your bed to Lord Elrond on top of everything else you already owe explanations for?” Haldir lifted his hand and rested it cheekily against Thranduil’s neck gently allowing his fingertips to caress the soft skin hidden just below the robe the king wore. Thranduil closed his eyes at the touch before clamping his hand down gently over Haldir’s and dragging it up to his mouth where he softly kissed each individual digit with loving care.

“I will tell him the truth. That I love you and that he should learn to knock before entering my bedchambers unannounced.” Haldir sweet laughter filled the study and Thranduil basked in the melodic sound he had so longed to hear surround him. Thranduil secured Haldir’s lips with a deep kiss mid way through the laughter before he pulled slowly back to smile down at Haldir in his arms. “Come my love let us not waste anymore time than we have already with our foolishness. I wish to discuss Legolas’ pregnancy with you while we eat and I believe I should take a bath before we retire, my stench is becoming rather odious even to my own nose.” Haldir chuckled a little more as Thranduil sniffed at himself indignantly before holding his nose in disgust. The humour of King Thranduil was a rare sight for anyone to see and Haldir considered himself the luckiest elf in all of middle earth to be allowed to share such moments. With his hand tucked into Thranduil’s Haldir led them both from the room and down towards the kitchens, both of them giggling like naughty elflings. For the first time in years laughter and light had returned to the heart of Mirkwood’s King.

TBC?>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

(A/n) Now everyone say awwwwwwwwwww ain't that cute. Just a note on plot if you think I've forgotten it............. this is the begining of the end people the first step in Legolas' destiny has arrived.