Rivendell Rednecks
folder
-Multi-Age › Het - Male/Female
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
10
Views:
831
Reviews:
3
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
-Multi-Age › Het - Male/Female
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
10
Views:
831
Reviews:
3
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own the Lord of the Rings (and associated) book series, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Grandpappy Celeborn
Disclaimer: E're ya back agin? Didn't ya heared us the last time when we tole ya we didn't own nothing?
Aragorn: Sigh. This story has indeed gone on too long. Never, in my entire life have I been subjugated to such a horrendous portrayal. I've a good mind to cast both of these so-called writers into the deepest pits of Mordor.
Arwen: Dearest heart - grow a sense of humor.
-------------------------------------
Chapter 10
Nearly One Year Later…
The quiet night at the Last Homely Trailer Park began as any other, the only sounds being made by chirping crickets and frogs, and the occasional snore of one of its residents was suddenly split by an ear-piercing scream coming from Wennie and Gornie's tarpaper shanty.
"ARGHHHHHH!"
"Fer the love of Eru, Wennie, cain't ya be more quiet-like? Yer gonna wake ever-body up with that caterwauling!" Gornie hollered, sitting up like a bolt on the edge of the pull out sofa, rubbing his face with his hands.
"The baby's a-comin' Gornie! The baby's a-comin'!" Wennie shrieked, grabbing a fistful of Gornie's hair and pulling hard.
"Ouch! Woman! Quit it!" Gornie yelled, pulling his head out of reach.
Wennie's hand came away with a goodly sized chunk of Gornie's hair still attached, causing him to scream louder than she had. "Go fetch my ma! I want my nana! I hate you!" Wennie screamed, pounding the sides of the lumpy mattress with her fists.
"All right, all right! I'm a-goin' Wennie!" Gornie walked out of the ramshackle hut, still clad only in his stained long johns, heading for Elrond's trailer.
Pounding on the sheet metal door, he could see a light flicker on within the trailer, and Elrond came to peer bleary-eyed out the door.
"What in tarnation are ya doing, boy? Do ya have any idear whut time it is?"
"It's Wennie…she's havin' the baby and she wants me to fetch her nana!" Gornie replied, leaning his still sleepy head against the doorframe.
"Whut's wrong with that gal? Why cain't she have the sense to have that baby in the daytime, like normal folk?" Elrond replied, shaking his head at his daughter's folly. "Ah'll be sendin Cebby over directly." Elrond closed the door in his son-in-law's face. Not that Aragorn noticed - he had begun to snore while leaning his head against the jamb.
Consequently, Celebrian nearly knocked him over when she flew through the door on her way to Arwen's side. Startled, Aragorn blinked a few times, then followed her…slowly. He was really in no hurry to get back to his wailing wife.
"You jest stay outside, Gornie! I cain't have ya underfoot whilst I tends to ma little gurl!" Celebrian ordered, pushing Gornie back out onto the porch and slamming the door shut.
Sighing contentedly, Gornie made himself comfortable in the old rocker that sat on the porch, resting his feet up on the railing and putting his hands behind his head, soon began to snore loudly enough to frighten the family of possum that lived in a nearby tree.
Just as dawn broke over the Last Homely Trailer Park, a new sound was added to the chirps and snores that already shattered the silence of the night. A thin wailing sound…the cry of a newborn.
Elrond gave Aragorn a swift kick with his boot, startling Aragorn out of a most pleasant dream that had involved a jug of shine and the bar wench from the local tavern.
"Congratulations, Gornie…yer a papa!" Elrond said, "And Ah'm a grandpappy!" Proudly he strut on the porch, sticking his thumbs in the suspenders that held up his long johns.
"Whut is it? A boy or a gurl?" Aragorn demanded, his hand on the knob of the door.
"A boy! Yer first try and ye hit paydirt! Ain't that wunnerful!" Elrond laughed, slapping his knee. "A fine, big ol' boy!"
Aragorn smiled, opening the door and stepping into the shanty. Arwen was lying on the pull-out sofa, her newborn cuddled in her arms. Aragorn looked at Celebrian, who had a very odd look on her face. He glanced down at his newborn son, whose face was screwed up tightly, wailing to beat the band.
"He sounds like a sheep, Wennie…but ain't he purty?" Aragorn said, touching a finger to his son's soft cheek.
"Ain't he though? I think we should calls him "Eldy," cause he'll be the oldest of all our chillins."
"That thar's a fine name, Wennie. Eldy it is!" Aragorn proclaimed. His fingers took hold of the blanket that covered Eldarion's head, moving it so he could see the color of his son's hair.
Aragorn's hand froze in mid-air, hovering over his son's thick head of hair. His son's thick head of silver hair.
Now, Aragorn, not being too bright, took several moments to process this information. He looked at Arwen's dark, tangled hair. He picked up a hank of his own dark, greasy hair. He looked over at Celebrian's golden locks. He walked to the porch and looked at Elrond's ebony tresses.
About ten minutes later, the thought occurred to him. "Why does our son have silver hair, Wennie?"
"Um…my grandpappy's hair is silver, Gornie…that must be it."
"Wennie…tell me the truth, gurl! Is this my son er not?"
"Well…he could be…"
"Could be? So the daddy is really Bubba Greenleaf?"
"No! I tole you it wasn't Bubba!"
"So he's mine then?"
"Well…"
"Well whut? Tell me now, Wennie!"
"It could have been Hal."
"HAL?"
"Or Phin-bob."
"HAL OR PHIN-BOB?"
"Or mebbe Rumil."
"RUMIL TOO?"
"An' then thar's always Grandpappy…"
"ARGHHH!"
And so we leave the quiet little hamlet of The Last Homely Trailer Park, it's quaint inhabitants scurrying about on their quiet little Elf errands.
Cue Theme Song: *banjos start playing*
Come and listen to the story of an Elf named Wennie
Couldn't keep her legs shut, slept with all that had a weenie.
Then one day, after screwing with a Man,
She got knocked up and sought a wedding band.
Elves, that is…
Lusty Elves…
Redneck Elves…
Well the first thing ya know, Ol' Bubba's in fix
Wennie's papa said he had to be the one to take the licks,
At the wedding Gornie shouted for the all the world to hear
That he would marry Wennie because Legolas was queer.
Elves, that is…
Lusty Elves…
Redneck Elves…
Now it's time to say goodbye to Gornie and his kin,
And the baby with the silver hair and winsome, toothless grin
Whose hair gave away the secret Wennie kept from Aragorn,
That the father of the baby was grandpappy Celeborn.
Ya'll come back now, ya hear?
Aragorn: Sigh. This story has indeed gone on too long. Never, in my entire life have I been subjugated to such a horrendous portrayal. I've a good mind to cast both of these so-called writers into the deepest pits of Mordor.
Arwen: Dearest heart - grow a sense of humor.
-------------------------------------
Chapter 10
Nearly One Year Later…
The quiet night at the Last Homely Trailer Park began as any other, the only sounds being made by chirping crickets and frogs, and the occasional snore of one of its residents was suddenly split by an ear-piercing scream coming from Wennie and Gornie's tarpaper shanty.
"ARGHHHHHH!"
"Fer the love of Eru, Wennie, cain't ya be more quiet-like? Yer gonna wake ever-body up with that caterwauling!" Gornie hollered, sitting up like a bolt on the edge of the pull out sofa, rubbing his face with his hands.
"The baby's a-comin' Gornie! The baby's a-comin'!" Wennie shrieked, grabbing a fistful of Gornie's hair and pulling hard.
"Ouch! Woman! Quit it!" Gornie yelled, pulling his head out of reach.
Wennie's hand came away with a goodly sized chunk of Gornie's hair still attached, causing him to scream louder than she had. "Go fetch my ma! I want my nana! I hate you!" Wennie screamed, pounding the sides of the lumpy mattress with her fists.
"All right, all right! I'm a-goin' Wennie!" Gornie walked out of the ramshackle hut, still clad only in his stained long johns, heading for Elrond's trailer.
Pounding on the sheet metal door, he could see a light flicker on within the trailer, and Elrond came to peer bleary-eyed out the door.
"What in tarnation are ya doing, boy? Do ya have any idear whut time it is?"
"It's Wennie…she's havin' the baby and she wants me to fetch her nana!" Gornie replied, leaning his still sleepy head against the doorframe.
"Whut's wrong with that gal? Why cain't she have the sense to have that baby in the daytime, like normal folk?" Elrond replied, shaking his head at his daughter's folly. "Ah'll be sendin Cebby over directly." Elrond closed the door in his son-in-law's face. Not that Aragorn noticed - he had begun to snore while leaning his head against the jamb.
Consequently, Celebrian nearly knocked him over when she flew through the door on her way to Arwen's side. Startled, Aragorn blinked a few times, then followed her…slowly. He was really in no hurry to get back to his wailing wife.
"You jest stay outside, Gornie! I cain't have ya underfoot whilst I tends to ma little gurl!" Celebrian ordered, pushing Gornie back out onto the porch and slamming the door shut.
Sighing contentedly, Gornie made himself comfortable in the old rocker that sat on the porch, resting his feet up on the railing and putting his hands behind his head, soon began to snore loudly enough to frighten the family of possum that lived in a nearby tree.
Just as dawn broke over the Last Homely Trailer Park, a new sound was added to the chirps and snores that already shattered the silence of the night. A thin wailing sound…the cry of a newborn.
Elrond gave Aragorn a swift kick with his boot, startling Aragorn out of a most pleasant dream that had involved a jug of shine and the bar wench from the local tavern.
"Congratulations, Gornie…yer a papa!" Elrond said, "And Ah'm a grandpappy!" Proudly he strut on the porch, sticking his thumbs in the suspenders that held up his long johns.
"Whut is it? A boy or a gurl?" Aragorn demanded, his hand on the knob of the door.
"A boy! Yer first try and ye hit paydirt! Ain't that wunnerful!" Elrond laughed, slapping his knee. "A fine, big ol' boy!"
Aragorn smiled, opening the door and stepping into the shanty. Arwen was lying on the pull-out sofa, her newborn cuddled in her arms. Aragorn looked at Celebrian, who had a very odd look on her face. He glanced down at his newborn son, whose face was screwed up tightly, wailing to beat the band.
"He sounds like a sheep, Wennie…but ain't he purty?" Aragorn said, touching a finger to his son's soft cheek.
"Ain't he though? I think we should calls him "Eldy," cause he'll be the oldest of all our chillins."
"That thar's a fine name, Wennie. Eldy it is!" Aragorn proclaimed. His fingers took hold of the blanket that covered Eldarion's head, moving it so he could see the color of his son's hair.
Aragorn's hand froze in mid-air, hovering over his son's thick head of hair. His son's thick head of silver hair.
Now, Aragorn, not being too bright, took several moments to process this information. He looked at Arwen's dark, tangled hair. He picked up a hank of his own dark, greasy hair. He looked over at Celebrian's golden locks. He walked to the porch and looked at Elrond's ebony tresses.
About ten minutes later, the thought occurred to him. "Why does our son have silver hair, Wennie?"
"Um…my grandpappy's hair is silver, Gornie…that must be it."
"Wennie…tell me the truth, gurl! Is this my son er not?"
"Well…he could be…"
"Could be? So the daddy is really Bubba Greenleaf?"
"No! I tole you it wasn't Bubba!"
"So he's mine then?"
"Well…"
"Well whut? Tell me now, Wennie!"
"It could have been Hal."
"HAL?"
"Or Phin-bob."
"HAL OR PHIN-BOB?"
"Or mebbe Rumil."
"RUMIL TOO?"
"An' then thar's always Grandpappy…"
"ARGHHH!"
And so we leave the quiet little hamlet of The Last Homely Trailer Park, it's quaint inhabitants scurrying about on their quiet little Elf errands.
Cue Theme Song: *banjos start playing*
Come and listen to the story of an Elf named Wennie
Couldn't keep her legs shut, slept with all that had a weenie.
Then one day, after screwing with a Man,
She got knocked up and sought a wedding band.
Elves, that is…
Lusty Elves…
Redneck Elves…
Well the first thing ya know, Ol' Bubba's in fix
Wennie's papa said he had to be the one to take the licks,
At the wedding Gornie shouted for the all the world to hear
That he would marry Wennie because Legolas was queer.
Elves, that is…
Lusty Elves…
Redneck Elves…
Now it's time to say goodbye to Gornie and his kin,
And the baby with the silver hair and winsome, toothless grin
Whose hair gave away the secret Wennie kept from Aragorn,
That the father of the baby was grandpappy Celeborn.
Ya'll come back now, ya hear?