Unattainable

Part 10...

One month. Erestor had been his lover for one whole, magnificent, month. Grinning at his reflection Glorfindel finished doing up the last button on his tunic. Whistling a jaunty tune he flipped his golden mane back over a shoulder and inspected the finished product. Erestor had made a comment once about how much he liked this particular tunic on Glorfindel and that the deep navy accented his eyes and pale complexion, making it difficult for Erestor to resist dragging him into the nearest storage closet and ravishing him breathless. Naturally Glorfindel wore the tunic as often as possible. The relationship between him self and Erestor had developed at an astonishing rate and Glorfindel found him self to be spending every night he was home from patrol in the advisors chambers. The only aspect with the whole relationship was Erestors continued insistence for secrecy. Frowning at the thought, Glorfindel turned to retrieve his boots. While he tugged them on one at a time he reflected on the several occasions when he had broached the subject of openly acknowledging their association. Each time Erestor had fervently pleaded for it to remain a secret. It bothered him that Erestor was not willing to openly admit Glorfindel was his lover. What bothered him even more was the haunted look that would enter Erestors eyes each time the subject was mentioned. Not wanting to force his lover into anything he wasn’t ready for Glorfindel had let the topic drop, but knew that soon he would have to discuss the reasons behind Erestors reluctance to publicly claim him as his lover. With one last glace in the mirror Glorfindel left his rooms to search out Erestor in the library and drag him to the evening meal.

Pushing the library door open Glorfindel paused in the archway to admire the frazzled form of his lover. Ever since the conclusion of the negotiations between Lothlorien, Mirk and and Imladris Erestor had been busy writing up the formal agreement, but was having a tricky time off it since Thranduil kept sending communications stating added stipulations to his agreement. Nothing that wasn’t to be expected, but poor Erestor had been haggard from all the changes and re-writing he had been forced to do, making Glorfindel seriously consider riding to Mirkwood to have words with the obstinate King just so Erestor could have a moments peace. Moving over to the desk Glorfindel bent to place a chaste kiss to the pale cheek, only to have Erestor stiffen, as always and shift away. Sighing dejectedly Glorfindel straightened and leaned one hip against the desks edge.

“Why do you always pull away from me Erestor?”

“You know why, someone might walk in on us.”

“Is it truly such a horrible thing if others found out about us?”

“It’s not that Glorfindel, I just like to keep my private life private.” Always the same answer. Strengthenins res resolve, Glorfindel continued in a soft voice.

“Are you ashamed to have it known that we arversvers?”

“No, of course not.”

“Then why can’t we tell everyone, and don’t give me the excuse that it’s just because you want to keep this private because we both know that’s all it is, an excuse.”

Glorfindel watched as Erestor began to clean up his desk, straightening papers and cleaning his ink coated quills.

“What are you doing?”


“Getting ready to go to din”
”

“Erestor,” Placing his hand atop the advisors shoulder to still his movements, Glorfindel continued, “I want an answer to my question first.”

“What would you have me say?”

“I would have you explain why you are so reluctant to let others know about us.”

Silence.

“Erestor?” Gentle pleading.

“Because…”

“Because why..?”

Silence

"Just because."

"Just because why?" More insistently this time.

“Because I couldn’t endure the way people will look at me once you leave me!”

“Leave you? Why would you think I would leave you?”

“You just will. One morning you'll wake up and realize that I’m worthless, nothing more than a… a convenient bed partner and you’ll wonder what you ever saw in me.” A sob catching in his throat Erestor averted his head, avoiding Glorfindels questioning gaze, but unable to avoid his voice

“I wouldn’t!” Incredulous that Erestor would believe him capable of such a thing Glorfindel stepped closer to him, determined to discover the source of his lovers fears. “Who told you such things? Who made you believe you are worthless?” Stretching his other arm across Erestors chest to clasp his other shoulder Glorfindel turned the stiff, reluctant body to face him. “Erestor?”

Dragging his thumb across the smooth, unblemished cheek, wiping away the wetness left by the advisors tears Glorfindel pulled the distressed elf into his arms, patiently waiting a rea response.

“I had a lover… long ago.” Realizing he would have to tell Glorfindel eventually, Erestor spoke quietly, his words muffled against the warriors broad shoulder, a tremble causing his voice to quaver. Teninening his arms Glorfindel remained silent, waiting. Finally Erestor spoke again.

“It was a shot affair.” Pause. “We were only together for a few months. I spent every spare moment with him, following him around like a besotted fool. Everyone knew about us.” Drawing an uneven breath he continued. “He left me. One morning he told me it was over and then he just left. He said…” Trailing off Erestor stopped, unable to speak the words which had hurt him more than he could have possibly imagined.

“Tell me.” Having kept his silence until now, Glorfindel gently encouraged Erestor to continue.

“He said…” Voice dropping to a barely audible whisper he persisted. “He said that I was nothing to him, that I was worthless and was nothing more than a pathetic scribe who was not worthy of his affection. He said my only redeeming qualities were my abilities with a quill and … the occasional tumble in the sheets. He told every…” His voice faltered before carrying on. “Everyone about our… intimate moments and had actually been gossiping about… them with the other soldiers since the outset. It hurt so much… so much…” Sobbing against Glorfindels shoulder Erestor fell quiet once more, waiting for his lover to respond.

TBC...