Never Offend the Lady

Fic: Never Offend the Lady Elrond/Celeborn R (1/?)
Additional cast/implied slash: Galadriel/Arwen, Elladan/Elrohir/Legolas
Author/Email: sandyg writearts2@earthlink.net
Initial Pairing: Elrond/Celeborn
Rating: R mpreg coming soon
Summary: Elrond 1st person POV. After 1000 years Elrond and Celeborn finally decide to make the magic happen. But have they offended the lofty Galadriel?
Feedback: Sure, bring it on, kids!
Content: Sexual M/M references. Consenting incest. Things are going to heat up soon. This has nothing to do with any real JRRT story line. Total Alternate Universe at work here.
Disclaimer: All words and deeds are complete fiction from my
sick little old mind. Names borrowed simply for entertainment. I love them all and merely let them play under the lovely, ancient trees.

**********************

"Celeborn, are you sure about this crucial matter?"

Celeborn ran his long graceful fingers through my long black hair, he winking confidently at me. "Elrond, look, we’ve been flirting with each other for over 1000 years. I think it’s time to stop all the tiresome teasing and make us become a physical reality. Your visit to see your lovely Arwen is perfect timing!"

Laughing mockingly I shook my head. "Hmm, and what has been the reason for keeping our dalliance to a mere safe flirtation? Could her name be Galadriel, the oh so powerful witch of Lothlorien? Come now, I am not in haste to defy her."

Celeborn groaned in aching frustration. "Elrond, trust me, she doesn’t care anymore. I could be making love to an Orc and she’d just shrug my perversion off. Galadriel is completely disinterested in me as a physical partner. We haven’t slept with each other in nearly 800 years. Ha, my Elrond, I have become nothing but a silly footnote to her powerful career as Lady of the Golden Wood. Am I known as the Lord of the Golden Wood? Not quite." Dropping his smooth voice Celeborn carefully glanced around the ancient forest. "Just between you and me, my love, I think my wife likes your beautiful daughter."

My gray eyes popped open in shock. In my distress my usually regal low voice rose to an undignified squeak. "You mean Galadriel is attracted to my dear Arwen? But she’s her granddaughter!"

Leaning closer Celeborn frowned at me. "Shhh, my love, please keep your voice down. You never know where my annoying Haldir is lurking. That damned Elf owns the biggest mouth this side of Mordor and the little snitch tells powerful Galadriel everything. I mean an innocent deer might fart in the Sacred Grove and he’s off to spread the silly word. Gods, I’d like to cuff Haldir’s pretty face but he’d just run and tell Galadriel." Celeborn sighed in frustration. "No, really, my old friend, Arwen is truly here for her intensive healer lessons but I think something else is going on. Old Galadriel seems a little too happy, yes, she’s wandering around actually humming to herself. That’s not like my sour old wife. I last heard her hum about, hmm, 2000 years ago."

Well, it made sense that my curious daughter felt attracted to powerful Galadriel. Her brothers were attracted to each other and to fair Legolas, and I had long carried a torch for willowy gentle Celeborn for too many aching years. It didn’t matter that he was technically my father in law, no, it mattered little since his daughter, my ex-wife, had declared our pairing null and void before sailing away on me. That was all right; we had been bored with each other.

Few Elves appreciated traditional pairings except when we needed heirs. Traditional pairings were too damned predictable, yes, too dull. Yawn.

Yes, my graceful Celeborn was right. We had wasted too much time mooning after each other. After all these long centuries I definitely wanted to see what immortal male delights lurked under that fine white silk robe. And if Galadriel didn’t care...

As my sharp mind considered the dangerous options Celeborn watched me closely, his wise gray eyes anticipating my final answer. Sighing I carefully squeezed his sensitive warm fingers. "All right, you sweet sexy Elf. But not at Lorien’s main complex. Meeting there would prove too dangerous."

My future lover nodded in merry agreement. "Don’t worry, my powerful Elrond, I have the perfect place for our trysting. Since we’re out enjoying our relaxing walk let’s wander past my selected meeting spot so you can find me later tonight."

So be it. Quickly brushing my fingers against Celeborn’s pale smooth cheek I smiled in agreement.

Yes, I deserved this long anticipated treat.

This family visit had proved a merry, sensual escapade. I wasn’t sure I wanted to travel home since I savored such a joyous time.

Everything I ever dreamed about my lovely Celeborn proved true. What I found under that fine white silk robe made my immortal heart sing in pure joy. We’d spent the last four nights making up for lost centuries. As he promised my Celeborn supplied special little places across the ancient forest for us to meet in. As the sweet days passed we became a little bolder, exchanging wet secret kisses and fierce embraces when and where we could. So dangerous, so exciting!

Mmm, I never knew what a glorious slut my normally tranquil Celeborn could truly be. It was a stunning revelation. After our few heady, sweaty wrestling matches I already felt centuries younger. Amazing. What fools we had been. Our attraction was strong and pure, yes, we were well matched.

On this mild night we enjoyed a rather hilarious celebration. Coy Galadriel was unveiling what she promised to be an extra special mead. Knowing her superior brewing skills I couldn’t imagine what this extraordinary brew must taste like. Odd how I still enjoyed the Lady’s clever company; so far Galadriel displayed no knowledge of what Celeborn and I were up to in Lorien. Either she truly didn’t care or she was a fine actor.

It would be far better if Galadriel truly didn’t care. Even with my ancient powers I still didn’t trust the Lady’s jealous wrath. Yes, when crossed Galadriel could truly become the wicked bitch of the Forest.

Tonight just the six of us sat at an intimate round table in a truly beautiful leafy chamber. Even though the table was round it somehow felt like Galadriel sat at the head. She had that natural compelling talent. Celeborn sat at her left, my lovely daughter at her right. Elrohir, Legolas, Elladan and myself completed the cozy circle.

Unfortunately Elladan, Elrohir and Legolas were acting like they had already started imbibing long before us. I knew my wions ons regarded this Lorien visit as a heady holiday but tonight they were almost embarrassing me, and that feat took cderaderable effort. I was quite the tolerant father. Of course Elladan and Elrohir had placed Legolas between them so they could both lean against his slender grace while reaching for a serving platter or bowl. They loved teasing the slightly shy blond.

As I watched them with narrowed eyes I saw Legolas jump in his seat, a breathy little squeak rug pag past his pretty red lips. Both my beautiful sons looked completely innocent, but I knew from Legolas’ sexy little noise that someone had pressed their talented fingers against his young cock. I had seen this seductive silliness before at my own dinner table.

And here I thought asking serene young Legolas to come visit with us as a master bow teacher would stabilize my wild twins. Ha, instead my irrepressible boys completely corrupted the pretty blond Elf prince down into their dark orbit. I had the feeling the only shooting being practiced was against Legolas’ taut ass. Poor dear, he’d never met the likes of my dedicated to pleasure twins before. They were a beautiful sexual force of nature.

Ha, I liked to think they received that special talent from me, even if I had just rediscovered my sensual talents.

Shaking my head I finished eating my roasted mushroom steak, sage dressing and caramelized young fiddlehead ferns. Very smoky, yes, quite pleasant against my tongue. I must have Galadriel’s master chef supply me the exact recipe. Lately my own chef had grown dull and predictable. Then again, I had the feeling if Galadriel’s chef dared displease her he’d be out on guard duty or even worse. Cleaning the toilets with his tongue came to mind.

Poor pale Legolas squeaked again, a bright pink blush disturbing his perfect smooth skin. This time I heard a sharp slap echo under the shining table. My sweet Elrohir jumped. Ah, now I knew who the culprit was; Elrohir always was less sneaky than clever Elladan.

Releasing a set-upon sigh Arwen rolled her wide brown eyes at me. "Daddy, is it me or have my older brothers suddenly become worse than I remembered?"

Before I could answer Elrohir reached over and playfully poked Arwen in the shoulder. "Oh, and since when have you become miss high and mighty?"

"Since Arwen came here and learned civilized manners."

Oh, comp con conversational deadstop. After offering her soft words Galadriel smiled with complete false sweetness, she blotting her elegant lips with her napkin. My poor twins looked wickedly insulted but they very wisely remained silent as deep river rocks. Thank you, lads, for at least being intelligent. Follow your father’s lead. Damn, Galadriel could be such a bitch.

Unfortunately poor provincial Legolas looked distinctly uncomfortable. Please don’t start apologizing. Please. "My Lady please, I... am so sorry if I offended you."

By the Gods, lad, just shut up! Blinking slowly I sipped my mild dinner mead.

Galadriel fixed wid wide intense blue eyes on poor innocent Legolas. "Well, dear, I wouldn’t use the word offended, Legolas, but I must say I am a touch disappointed in you. I mean I did give you that special magical quiver for your birthday and yet I have the most distinct feeling you haven’t been practicing your shooting as much as possible. I hate seeing such potential wasted."

Caught in Galadriel’s scolding blue stare Legolas blinked, he looking like he was one step away from jumping out the far window. "I... err, I... well, my dear Lady, I have been training Elladan and Elrohir."

"Really now." Galadriel used those two simple words as a vast insult.

Before poor hapless Legolas dug himself into more trouble I rubbed my strong hands together. I could sense my lovely, brow beaten Celeborn wasn’t going to help here so it was time for my diplomatic skills. Beside, Galadriel did insult my sons so she was lucky I didn’t attack her. No, since I was sleeping with her handsome husband I decided to be tactful. "Galadriel, my dear lady, I have so looked forward to your special mead. If you declare the batch special the liquid must be touched by the very Valar."

Galadriel shifted her astonishing blue eyes toward me. Hmm, I swore I detected a brief flash of hostility before all the welcome in Middle Earth flowed over me. No, I was merely being paranoid. Hmm, I hoped that was the case. "Why my gracious Elrond thank you for your kind words. Yes, this mead is extremely special."

Rising from her chair Galadriel gracefully moved to a side table, her long pale fingers skillfully uncorking a dark blue glass bottle. Since Galadriel’s back was turned Elrohir made a sour face at Arwen before poking her upper arm. My children, please stop this nonsense. Before Arwen could slap Elrohir I wagged a scolding finger at them. They both pouted at me.

Legolas leapt in his seat again but this time the pretty prince managed to muffle his sexy squeak. Shaking my head in frustration I glared at Elladan. Of course he only winked at me.

Seeing the problems Celeborn shot me a rueful grin. I could only shrug in mute frustration. Somehow I had completely failed as a disciplinarian. Yes, come now, I loved my glorious children too damned much.

"Here we go." Galadriel carefully carried a round tray loaded with six silver goblets back to the table.

Hmm, smoking mead? Well, sweet variety was the spice of life and when you lived as long as we had you tried just about everything once, twice or thrice. Which reminded me; once we returned home I did want to borrow pretty pale Legolas from myer ser sons. That breathy little sexy squeak definitely intrigued me. I wanted to know what other noises the sweet beauty made.

Smiling my thanks I accepted the exotic mead. Hmm, not only was it smoking but it actually bubbled a bit, bright blue orbs breaking the smooth black surface. By the Valar, what was in this bizarre brew? Don’t ask, Elrond, do not ask. You’ll only insult Galadriel. No use in that dangerous act.

Laughing quietly I held the shimmering goblet up to our powerful hostess. "Hail, my Galadriel; this looks like no mead I have ever seen before."

"And I promise it will taste like no mead you have ever enjoyed before." As Galadriel sat she also held up her shining goblet. "To immortal friends and family."

"Here here!" Now that was stunning; Galadriel seldom acknowledged us as her family. How bizarre of her. We all delicately sipped.

Legolas released his excited little squeak.

Arwen choked but she quickly cut the unlady-like noise off.

Elladan and Elrohir’s wide gray eyes almost bulged from their beautiful faces. Their lips went back for more.

Celeborn groaned in blissful delight.

I wanted more so I gulped back my goblet’s contents. Mmm, yes, spectacular.

Galadriel merely smiled.

My remaining composure felt trapped.

*********************

After four more goblets of this amazingly heady brew I could barely control myself from simply clutching Celeborn close and devouring his beautiful, mead-stained lips. Legolas’ little squeaks were followed by continuous drunken giggles. My sons made no effort to control their desire for their beautiful blond prince. They both had their arms around him, they holding hands behind his slender back.

Celeborn’s long fingers suddenly gripped my cock under the round table. When he squeezed my flesh I almost spit out a mouthful of this intoxicatingly delicious brew.

Smiling serenely Galadriel watched us all, she reaching out, her pale fingers curling in my daughter’s long black hair. A soft sigh flew from my daughter’s full, ripe lips.

Yes, I needed more of this potent brew. This night was becoming extremely odd.