Eowyn Sprogs With Legolas

BLISTERGIRL: This is an MST of an original fic by Kate M. The original text, denoted by ++...++ has not been altered in any way. I bring Arwen, Eowyn and Big Gay Legolas to the rescue. I'd credit them to Tolkien, but I've never heard of him. One of David's friends, maybe?

*****

Arwen & Eowyn arrive at Big Gay Legolas’s Big Gay Elf Farm.

EOWYN: So this is where elves come from?

ARWEN: The gay ones, anyway.

EOWYN: So you grew up here?

ARWEN: Quiet, you!

Legolas appears at the barn door, looking like a sexy gay elf farmer. The kinda guy who’d ride horses all day and shag movie stars all night.

ARWEN: Legolas, my elven kindred! How goest thou?

LEGOLAS: I’m thuper, thanks for athking!

Arwen raises an eyebrow.

LEGOLAS: Sorry. Glad you could both make it. A shadow of a threat is threatening to destroy the Gay Elf Farm and all it stands for.

Legolas leads Arwen and Eowyn into the barn. A large book sits atop a crate.

LEGOLAS: Pull up a hay bale and let’s start reading.

++The Lost Tale of Legolas and Eowyn
Author: Kate M
http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1389930++

EOWYN: NOOOO! I’m not reading any more fucking HetFic!

ARWEN: It’s okay, I’m here with you. We’ll get through this. *Aside to Legolas* How bad iis? is?

LEGOLAS: I broke up your chaise longue party to get you down here and you’re asking how bad it is?

++The Lost Tale of Legolas and Eowyn++

ARWEN: Oh fuck no.

EOWYN: Fucking NO!

Legolas just shakes his head. He knows what lies ahead.

++Author's Note: I do not own the characters in this story. Only J. R. R. Tolkein's heirs own it. I have always wanted to do a Legolas and Eowyn story.
Prologue "Push Eowyn, push," The midwife said to Eowyn, Lady of Ithilium.++

EOWYN: *screams* Fucking sprogging fucking HetFic! You can’t make me sit through this!

LEGOLAS: Hey, don’t worry! It’s not about you, it’s about the Lady of Ithilium. *You’re* the Lady of Ithilien.

ARWEN: Ithilium: it’s just like Ithilien. Only. Not. *Nod to BORG*

++Eowyn was hot and sweaty.++

ARWEN: Mmm, that’s more like it. Ooh baby.

EOWYN: *Don’t* say baby.

ARWEN: Sorry BooBooKittyFuck. *Nod to Jay & Silent Bob*

++Her golden hair was damp and hung over her face. She screamed in pain before another cry came out.
"You have a daughter, my lady." The midwife said as she cleaned and wrapped the infant in a blanket before handing her to Eowyn.
Eowyn looked at her daughter with wonder. The woman burst into tears when she saw her daughter.++

ARWEN: Oo, we got a Choose Your Own Adventure too! Did Eowyn look at her daughter with wonder, or did the woman burst into tears when she saw her daughter?

LEGOLAS: Maybe Eowyn of Ithilium did one and Eowyn of Ithilien did the other.

EOWYN: I’ll go with the ‘burst into tears’ option. ‘Burst into tears, strangled the midwife and hunted down the dirty fucker who knocked her up in the first place.’

LEGOLAS: Hey, remember the title of this story before you start making threats.

Arwen restrains Eowyn from attacking Legolas. Muffled cries of ‘you dirty fucker!’ are heard.

++The baby had golden hair, stunning blue eyes, and pointy ears. She was a beautiful reminder of Legolas, her love.++

EOWYN: *weeps* Oh god. Doesn’t she know Legolas is gay? And I’m with Arwen? Stupid cunting HetFic author! Fuck off back to Russia! *Nod to BORG*

ARWEN: ‘She was a beautiful reminder of Legolas’. Because he is such a girl.

LEGOLAS: Eh, that’s valid.

++"Your name shall be Gaenor, after the legendary Rohan princess." Eowyn pronounced as her daughter suckled her.++

Eowyn screams and passes out. Legolas pats her cheek and looks concerned. Arwen considers suckling Eowyn, but finds Legolas’s presence to be an impediment.

++Chapter One
Eowyn looked bleak as she saw her husband Faramir buried deep in the ground.++

LEGOLAS: I’d look bleak if I saw someone who was buried deep in the ground.

ARWEN: You’d rather see Faramir buried deep in you.

LEGOLAS: Too right. That David Wenham, rowr! Pretends he doesn’t like being touched and then...

ARWEN: That was *fiction*.

LEGOLAS: At least it was SlashFiction.

++Her face was shrouded in the black veil and her own grief. There was nothing for Eowyn now that her husband is gone.++

Eowyn regains consciousness and sits upright, only to be knocked out again by the whiplash from the change of tense.

++Not even children to comfort her. Eowyn couldn't help but look at two graves besides Faramir's. It was the burial places of their sons who died in childhood. Eowyn couldn't look at them for very long.++

ARWEN: This is so fucking tragic.

LEGOLAS: All the death is getting to your sensitive elven sensibilities?

ARWEN: No, Eowyn’s unconscious and I haven’t even had my morning shag. *Shakes Eowyn by the shoulders* *cries* Wot, no kisses? *Nod to BORG*

Eowyn wakes up and Arwen pashes her madly.

++She saw everyone she knew looking at her. There was King Elessar and his wife Queen Arwen with their children.++

LEGOLAS: Arwen, how did you ever sprog with Ellie? I mean, I’d jump at the chance but...

ARWEN: I’m sure I don’t know. I’ve repressed large chunks of that part of my life.

EOWYN: *Mutters* Aragorn. The biggest bulldyke on Middle Earth.

++There was her brother Eomer and his wife.++

LEGOLAS: Whose name Eowyn never bothered to learn.

EOWYN: ‘The biatch who never helps with the dishes after Christmas lunch’. That’s a name.

++There was Merry and Pippin the Hobbits and then there was Legolas of Mirkwood and Gimli the dwarf. They all came to share in her sorrow.
"My dear Eowyn, we must come inside." Aragorn said to her.
For an instant Eowyn felt her old lust for the powerful Aragorn, but it left her.++

EOWYN: *Giggles* Too right it did. He was standing right next to Arwen.

LEGOLAS: Your lust was probably just momentarily confused by the whiff of Arwen’s pheremones on Aragorn’s collar.

Arwen growls dangerously.

LEGOLAS: Whoops, heh heh. Don’t mind me.

++There was nothing but friendship between them, and Eowyn knew she couldn't compare to the beautiful elven queen.++

ARWEN: Aw Eowyn, you’re the prettiest human I know.

EOWYN: Prettiest *human*?

LEGOLAS: Eh, look what you’ve got to compete with.

++She felt Aragorn's soft touch as he led her to his palace.++

ARWEN: So we’re at Aragorn’s palace. Is this important later on, Legolas?

LEGOLAS: I was too offended to read beyond this chapter, sorry. but we’ll make a note of that for later. I know you love gloating over inconsistencies.

"My dear Eowyn may I give my condolences to you?" Gimli said.++

ARWEN: Gimli asked, without commas.

++"Thank you Gimli for you are awfully kind," Eowyn replied in a sad voice.
"Faramir was a good friend my lady. His sad death shall be revenge many times over." Gimli said.++

ARWEN: As the grammar in this fic is pretty good, the spelling almost faultless and the canon *almost* well researched, I’m going to have to be picky.

LEGOLAS: I’ll be supportive of that. But I’m so busy being offended by my implied heterosexuality that I’ve got my hands full.

ARWEN: Fine. ‘His seatheath shall be avenged many times over.’ Not ‘revenge’. Unless Faramir’s death *is* revenge for something... ah fuck, this is boring me. Read on.

++Eowyn only nodded, but was secretly disgusted for there should be no more bloodshed over this. She hated orcs and they did kill her husband, but she couldn't stand anymore violence. She decided not to tell Gimli her feelings.++

LEGOLAS: They were, after all, only orcs. A single word could spare their lives, but it was too much effort. Bring on the violence.

++Legolas did not say a word throughout this sad affair. It was he who found Faramir's mangled body on a forest trail. It affects him greatly for Faramir was like a brother to him. His older brothers in Mirkwood were all selfish and take little pleasure in the affairs of others. Faramir was a kindred spirit to the elf, and his death was a sad omen.
"My lady," Legolas finally spoke.
"Yes, my lord." Eowyn answered.
"Faramir was like a brother to me."
"Yes he was," Eowyn said in agreement.
Legolas took a deep breath. Faramir was not yet dead when Legolas found him. His last words were about Eowyn, and Legolas was going to repeat them to Eowyn.
"Faramir was still alive when I last saw him with my eyes. He said to me 'take care of her my brother. Comfort her for the rest of her days'."
"He said that." Eowyn said.++

LEGOLAS: What the fuck did I just fucking say? Yes he said that!

EOWYN: I think you’ll find from the lack of question mark that I was *not* questioning you. I was stating a fact.

LEGOLAS: How can you state facts about something you’ve never heard before?

ARWEN: Hey hey hey, settle. This is fiction. You too aren’t really sprogging up, so stop fighting like an old married couple.

EOWYN: Sorry. I know it reminds you of Ara-

ARWEN: Shut it.

++"Yes my lady and I vowed that I will take great care of you."
Eowyn burst into tears and cried on Legolas' shoulders for the rest of the evening.++

LEGOLAS: Which grew old pretty quickly, believe you me. Do you know how hard it is to get human tear stains out of elven cloth?

ARWEN: Can’t be as bad as trying to get elfcum off a chaise longue.

LEGOLAS: *Stares*

ARWEN: Oh you men have no clue. You see, when a woman gets excited she...

EOWYN: She what, my dearest? Don’t forget we haven’t had our morning shag yet.

ARWEN: Why talk when I can demonstrate?

Legolas displays ‘gay elf confused (yet intrigued) by the mechanics of wild girlseks’ expression.